new excitement

Im excited and it scares the crap out of me...

The last time i was excited like this about a guy, we spent two years "happy" and in the end I was broke, moved to another state and my car was seized as 'evidence'. Not the kind of excitement i need in my life if you know what i mean.
But Bryan seems so real but so unreal for me. It's as if someone read my romantic fantasies and produced the stallion in all airport- book dramas. We flow...we chat..we commiserate about nothing and everything...and when it's time to go, we get sad. It's an exciting feeling b/c I haven't felt this way about a guy in a long time.

I haven't left my bed to see someone, or broken from my plans to see someone in a long time, no one was worth it but Bryan is... his words, his feelings he shares, his smile and his initmate stares... is all so much that I try to push him away......so he pushes back.

his kiss.... is explosive
and it scares me......

The bad date

I've had a couple of bad dates in my life, but this one... Whew.. read for yourself.

*taken from emails I sent around b/c it was truly unbelievable.

so, i met this guy on blackplanet b/c my girlfriend Nic said to go on meet guys it worked for her blah blah. I met this guy we'll call Geo, he's nice, great convo we have so much in common.

i wanna meet him, he wants to meet me etc. make a date for sat the 28th, he'll take the day off take me to breakfast make me dinner blah blah. texting all day Wednesday and he decides he wants to see me that night. I say ok, im scruffy but always cute so im cool. he gets there....the dude is chubby, not athletic like he said, scruffy, beard unkept. strike one!

so we go in (we met at fridays) sit at the bar. no sooner than we sit down the bartender comes over and Geo says ''do u remember me, i was in here with two girls'', bartender says ''i think so'' so now Geo says '' yea u were flirting with me, uh huh, u were flirting with me then''. Now I've met this bartender, he's nice to everyone and far from gay. bartender looks at me, im looking at dude like wtf? and Geo keeps going despite the bartender saying ''really, i think u have the wrong person"

Geo goes on telling the waitress and what not... he's serious. then im noticing this dude got some tendencies... hands and he talks kinda gayish. i finally ask... wtf was that...to which Geo says i was joking.

me: no u were not.

i tell him to apologize but the bartender doesnt want to hear it. i was so embarrassed i had to leave...... then he tries to kiss me outside.

lawd what is wrong with these men!

Love Dies

The more and more i get hurt from love the more I ask...what the hell is the point? Everything is temporary... Why love a person, thing, pet when they all die and leave and you're just left with pain?
My Nero is my sweetheart, my little man and now I have to put him to sleep. People tell me why get bent out of shape? B/c despite people, Nero loves me unconditionally. I never owed him an explanation for anything i did, or living my life, I was never the bad guy when I disciplined him and when i was in pain, he would jump on my bed and be my teddy bear. He was only a puppy and I couldn't protect him. So excuse me while i morn my sweetheart.

I went from hopeful, to tearyeyed to make the decision to put him to sleep, to relieved when they didn't, hopeful again and now i'm back to miserable since they will have to put him to sleep...again.

I only hope that he'll be with God and my dad in Heaven.
**I understand not everyone understands what it's like to be so close to a pet and lose them but please don't act like my feelings shouldn't be validated b/c God forbid YOU can't understand.

Crisis Call

At my job we occasionally get a "crisis" call. This means, the person on the line is so distraught we have to transfer them to a professional counselor to talk to ASAP. As an intake Coordinator anyone that sounds like they are in imminent danger to themselves or others, we have to keep them on the phone, notify a supervisor and they will get the on call Licensed Professional Counselor.

On Friday, I got my first Crisis call. Now although he wasn't about to kill himself or anyone else, this particular gentleman began having a panic attack and was completely out of meds. He was on anxiety pills, anti-depressants and God knows what else. This poor gentleman totally broke down over the phone. while my supervisor called the On Call LPC, I was able to calm him down back to normal. The LPC who listened in to the tail end of my covno w/ panic man told me what a good job i did....

YAY! so it is sinking in

No time for blogging

unfortunately I've been so busy I haven't had time to write. Shame on me, I know. my job doesn't really give me enough time to put my thoughts on the screen and school has me tired most of the time i just pass out when i get home. These are just excuses

Really I've had fantastic blogs in my head but they haven't been jotted down. So let me catch you up with whats going on. School is good, could be better since I got a B+ in my last class, but that prof was ANAL. Right now I've doubled up and I'm taking two classes. One evening class meets Monday and Wednesday, the other a weekend class is online mostly and you meet for one weekend; Friday 6-10, Saturday 9-5 and Sunday 9-3. Not as easy as i once thought.

My job is what it is....a job. nothing special, just dealing w/ people day in and day out. Management is on us at all times and it's getting tired fast. Jason said just work until 6 months and then get fired. LOL I'm in school anyway, i don't need the hassle.

Living w/ my brother is cool. I have a built in support system and best friends (the dogs are the bestest friends you could have).

On the dating/love side... Coach is still around. Although he will be moving, I like talking and chilling with him. He's cool peeps and we have a lot in common.
I am chit chatting with someone else... I'm not going to name him yet until after a second date. He's nice and easy to talk to but again he's someone who is not always readily available for me...meaning distance not that he's not single. What is it with me meeting guys who are unavailable?

Other than that, my momma's here for the weekend so i'ma get my lovin' in
and we'll see what happens w./ the new guy

Minivans

Now I've always said "do not drive behind minivans"... they are slow and annoying and don't follow the understood traffic patterns. And they prove me right every freaking time.

Minivan drivers, why do you insist on driving in the fastest lane 20 miles slower than everyone else? It makes no sense, you don't have the pickup, you probably have more weight than the rest of us, but yet you feel the best lane for you is the left one....

Do you not notice all the cars lining up behind you? Do you not see how everyone has to go around you to pass you...If you must yell at the kids in the third row, do it from the second to right lane and let us be on our way...

Minivan drivers, realize you are no longer in a sports car, sedan or SUV, you are a minivan driver....accept it and let us be!

Same Ish...different month

what's going on...not a damn thing. my mini Christmas vaca was busy with helping a friend move, showing my cousins around, visiting ppl... but still, I was happy to come back to ATL where life is a bit calmer.

Coach FINALLY moved back to ATL and we had a nice lil' homecoming LOL...Innocent enough but I finally got my kiss that was really good.

now i'm back to school and back to work (not really enjoying the second one) and not getting a part-time job, b/c my school work load is a bit heavy this semester... i need to concentrate on the A's.

Work is stressful with the OT I'm doing b/c of open enrollment.... by Friday my co-workers and I are exhausted and it's written all over everyone face.
I'm taking a day or two in Feb. One for sure when my homegirls come to visit.

Oh well, back to work :(

I can do it...

After a long day of shopping and driving ppl around the city, we prepare to go back home to Brooklyn. Showing off our latest shopping finds from Canal Street and 34th street, we are relaxed and about 20 min away from our destination when a light comes on the dashboard. A simple (!) and a sign appears "Tire pressure low". Confused since i felt no difference, at the light I get out in the rain and it's not until i go around the back of the car when i see it, the rear passenger tire is as flat as a pancake.

Great

I pull over on a busy street and tell my aunt to call the rental car service #, then spring into action. I've been driving since i was 13 and there were certain things my father, brother and grandfather thought i should know.... How to jump a car, how to check your oil and add if necessary and how to change a tire (the last one courtesy of my big brother). So instantaneously, i take the spare out of the back and ask for assistance from a guy double parked in the car behind me. I haven't changed a tire in years, and these new fangled jacks and lug removers had be confused.

RELUCTANTLY he gets out after he sees me fiddling and noticed it was a car of women two of which were under 18 ( so i guess he figured he wouldn't get mugged). after he pulled out the accessories from the jack i was good to go, and within 30 minutes, the tire was changed and we were back in the car getting warm with hot chocolate. THEN the tow truck came LOL

I was so proud of myself (patting myself on the back), even the tow guy said he would come and grown men would just sit and wait, he was impressed we had it changed already.

You see daddy....I'ma be alright.

the joy and gain of food

I keep forgetting my salad....
I hate when things spoil especially when it's' b/c i have a bad memory which just seems to get worse lately.

I went to the docs a couple of weeks ago and apparently I've gained like 15 pounds since i've moved here....15 freakin pounds. So i have to lose that after the new year
I want to look slim and trim again....but i love my food LOL

So to do this i figured i'd buy healthier snacks... Salads, alot more green leafy stuff in my diet which i don't really mind. I need vegetables, some cheese and crackers as a snack and fruit. This is the problem.... I KEEP FORGETTING THEM. So i have healthy stuff in the fridge going bad b/c I'm usually running late in the morning and don't have time to make something.

if i stay to make something i would have to drive to work which means $50 in gas 2-3 times a week and if i leave it means $4-$5 for Bkfst & $7-$8 for lunch...
i could just wake up early but that means me and Will Smith or Jay-z would have to interrupt our time and that ain't happening LOL

So what to do...

Christmas in NY

So excited, in 6 short days i'll be home in NY with my mom and extended family to celebrate Christmas. I'll get to see everyone, that's what i'm most excited about. My aunt in Alabama and her family, my uncles and cousins. Normally i get so excited about Christmas but this year, even more so since I don't live there anymore. So I'm counting down the days.

I have a final tomorrow so today is about studying and tomorrow is about finishing that and then I'll be washing my clothes and packing for my trip!

Oh, by the way, this weekend was a co-worker weekend. Friday I went out with some co-workers for dinner which was good. I got to see a different part of them and get the office gossip :)
Then Saturday my other co-worker had a holiday party at her house. Beautifully decorated house, by the by, and great friends. I brought Jason along and we had a great time, he got toasted on all the liquor they had and I was mingling (yes I mingled) with funky people to get the scoop on where to shop for eclectic and different stuff.

Good weekend, Next weekend should be soooo much better.

Introducing PEANUT!!!

My friend Liz is having a baby. This is Peanut at 12.5 weeks and she's waving. They're not sure she's a girl but i think so... so there ya go!

Jealousy...really?

yes, i get jealous... unfortunately it has to do with my ex... or at least mostly.
but i can't stand not knowing if I'm the only one. I guess that's where trust comes in but that's something you earn. It doesn't help if the guy you're seeing doesn't give you enough cues like kissing you at the end of a date.

My 2 dates with Coach went well. yes, i can just be paranoid but i can't help it. I used to be with a guy who never hesitated to say what he felt or grab my hand, ass or whatever as an affectionate gesture. Now I'm dating and I have to 'read' the guy to see if he likes me 'in that way'.

So here are cues... i speak to him just about everyday. when he drove up from school to move his things he came straight to me and then went to see his family. We talked until the place shut down that night. We went out for his bday to the drive in, he initiated the move to get closer, hugging me through most of movie 1 and me hugging him through all of movie 2. when i needed help on my paper he sent me slides from presentations he did on the topic....

so is he being a nice guy, or does he like me, cause like i said before, great dates but NO KISS KISS. And when he hugged me....Dang that body is tight! LMAO. but when i looked at his blog, this chick writes comments on his blog.. ("oh you're so genuine...i wish more men were like you").. and she's in the city where he goes to school. Where he is right now....could she be another lady he's dating?

so am i being paranoid?
*and no, i didn't tell him about this blog...

role reversal

Why is it that when you spell it out for the guy, they say they understand and they're fine with it. Certain situations are like a dream come true for them. NO games, just straight-talk, it is what it is and it's done.

until they become Bitches....

Whining, complaining little girls.... You see Fronts changed overnight. It's funny b/c he supposedly wants to be a rapper but he needs to be the backup dancer. I should save the texts and phone calls I got from him in case he ever makes it. Our 'relationship' was never a consistent one where we spoke every night or even every other night. But suddenly, he wants to know why I don't call and why didn't i see him when i said i 'might'.

see.... not a man.....a bitch, and totally unattractive.

a sign or a test

In the past two days, i got called for two job interviews in NY. Now it's been almost a year since I've applied for jobs in NY so something is going on. Is it a sign... I'm not really feeling going back to NY.

Or is it a test? Would I give up my current path for money?
both jobs I would like, One was for event planning (DUH!) in a university (Double DUH) and the other was working in a pre-school with children.... (DANGNAMMIT). Where were these ppl when I was looking for a reason to stay in NY?

what do you think?

blahze

Feeling a bit down lately.
Just Blahze
need a pick me up.... I should download some music, that always seems to work.

*sigh*

a different experience

So i had an 'experience' with Fronts....
it was very different and not one that i enjoyed too much. A combination of his style (of which i did not approve of) and not being into it emotionally. Now casually it's something I can turn on and off, but at this point in my life, I don't really want to.

If he would have just stopped being affectionate, things would have gone smoother. But I just had to stop.... and get out of there.

Am I just too old for such 'experiences'? possibly. I want more, from someone who wants more from me... I want to be a friend with someone and have that experience, I don't want to just have an experience I want it to be special each time.

Doors are closing and opening all over the place

A very tiring weekend closes out yet another chapter in my life. It's over...finally. I always want him to be around but i guess it can't be in the same capacity and I'm OK with that.

Last Saturday I emptied out my apt... and Sunday we said goodbye. It wasn't under the best of circumstances and it wasn't the kind of goodbye I wanted but it was goodbye.
Sunday was my friends wedding, a different experience but I was almost in tears seeing her walk down the aisle. She was so beautiful and happy. I had to miss the reception to catch a flight and get back home for work in the morning...

I'm working on my own now. This was my first week alone and I think i did pretty well. I know I messed up a couple of times but hopefully it won't be too drastic and I'll have some leeway.

and now the stuff you really want to hear about... the men stuff...
Right now, there are three prospects...
Coach, Fronts and Boss

Coach, I'm interested in for more than just the trivial. he's tall as heck so that will be a first but I don't know how he feels about me. he's always inviting me here and there, and most recently invited me to church with him to ring in the new years. His bday is in two weeks and i think i have an inexpensive gift idea that he would like. Basketball game tix. That way we can have fun, I've never been to a Bball game so that will be cool and it's a date, so i can get a feel of where he's at.

Fronts i met a while back.... real southern dude. A rapper of course but I'm not interested in him for more than.... 'chillin'. I can't figure out his game... if he wants more or not but i know that i don't, so hopefully he's cool with just being a buddy.

The Boss.... real serious dude. I haven't really gotten to know this one too much since I'm so busy lately. and my schedule is bad enough to deal with and me adding 3 guys into the mix. But he's interested in me, likes the chase (as any successful, serious mans man does) so I'm going to stay busy and let him chase...

I know some ppl may say that i need time to heal and i should just lay off guys at the moment, but i disagree. The more that comes out about my former love, the more I realize that i most likely would be grieving over something i thought was there but probably wasn't. A lot of lies for little things means lies for big things as well. and if there's one thing to know about me is that i hate liars.

So I'm cool for now, besides, I'm not the single, dating type of girl. I'm the, "it's winter and i want to snuggle up" type of Lady!

Why does he make it hard?

why do people do the things they do?
why say you love someone when all you do is end up hurting them?
why make them cry?

I've been asking these questions so much lately, I'm tired of the record. In fact, I'm tired period. I barely have anything left to give anyone, but i will still try b/c not everyone is undeserving. but lately I realize that he is.... he is completely undeserving of my friendship, love or even my attention.
but it's like Ciara says in her song "i can't leave him alone". Not that i want to get back with him, but you don't share your life with someone only to take it back overnight. The bond is still there and probably always will be.

I just really want the best for him. I want him to grow up and be a man. I want him to realize he doesn't have to get over, to get somewhere and to trust himself. I want him to be ok, b/c i know at the end of the day, I will be.

I can't leave him alone

This breakup just gets uglier and uglier to the point where I can't even recognize the people in the situation. So many others have come on board and gotten involved.....

Garette vs. me, my brother, my mother and now a very close friend shavonne. My big bro couldn't take watching me cry anymore and just held his mouth one last time. This time, i heard yelling in the backyard....He read Garette the riot act. He cursed him out the way my mom has been wanting to for months.

At first I tried to stop him, but I stopped myself. Garette needed to hear it but more importantly, I needed to hear it. It was nothing I didn't know for myself but when you love somebody.... it takes the world to crumble before you can give up on them. Although my world was crumbling... my family wanted to save me before it was unrecognizable anymore.

I know I've been too nice, but I don't know how to be anything else. I honestly don't want to be. I'm mean when i have to be, but with the people i love, i hate being mean to them, which is why i just get quiet.

The crazy, sick thing... after everything we've been through, and he's put me through..... I can't help but still love him.

The large friendly office

So I'm at my new job as an Intake Coordinator for United Behavioral Health and I'm thinking... this can be cool. It's overwhelming with everything you have to learn. You're working on 5 different systems at one time while on the phone with someone and I'm training on the systems now but i guess I will get used to them once I observe and start taking calls.

This company is a real company. I've always worked for smaller firms and what's so funny is that first impression here is that people like where they work. It reminds me of Lupe's job, everyone is so friendly and happy and smiling and conversing with each other. My first day I was in conversations with people who saw a new face....that's great. Today I have an invitation to hang out with another co-worker (different dept) and her friends at her house anytime i want (not sexual dirty people). My benefits started Thursday and there are so many perks to the job I don't know where to start.

Discounts on my phone bill, new cars and mortgages, you even get perks for doing a good job. My classmate got a bonus for coming within her percentile range and you get bonuses for referring people who eventually got hired. And I'm not talking $50 bonuses, a nice couple of hundred. The Christmas party will be a black tie event....I'm so excited!

Also, now they want me to start taking calls while my mentor ghosts on them... I'm nervous, it's a lot to go over and you know i hate messing up. On a plus, I got an A- in my last class so I'm truly excited and happy. Now to go home and sleep...right after my coverage comes at this second job.