I want love... I want it, so bad... I miss it, being that person to someone else.

Is it bad that I said that?

My ex came over the other night to hang out. We had fun just watching tv, eating, talking and chilling basically. Then we slept.... and it was good. To wake up in the middle of the night and someone is wrapped around you, moves with you, seeks you out when you move to the edge. It. feels. awesome. That's exactly what I want. Not to say that I want that with my ex but I know what I want.

He's a great guy, always will have me smiling and I would always know that I'm beautiful but he's just not there yet and that hurts.

His name

His name is Bryan* and he is fantastic, sexy, intelligent, caring, supportive, giving and more. Technically he's mine but we forgo the titles "girlfriend/boyfriend"... just mine. We had our first "fight" if you want to call it that and I thought for sure it was over, but nope, within minutes he brushed it aside and comforted me b/c as he says "you can't get rid of me that easily"... and why would I want to?

He has no kids, an engineering degree, works two jobs just trying to get into his field... basically he works every day of the week and he eats ALOT! which isn't so bad since i like to cook. But as it stands from last post, I'm happy and i'm not scared of being happy anymore... I'm spoiled now. I miss him when he's not there sleeping next to me, I miss him during the day when i should be working (right now) and he sends me messages everyday.
I'm happy

new excitement

Im excited and it scares the crap out of me...

The last time i was excited like this about a guy, we spent two years "happy" and in the end I was broke, moved to another state and my car was seized as 'evidence'. Not the kind of excitement i need in my life if you know what i mean.
But Bryan seems so real but so unreal for me. It's as if someone read my romantic fantasies and produced the stallion in all airport- book dramas. We flow...we chat..we commiserate about nothing and everything...and when it's time to go, we get sad. It's an exciting feeling b/c I haven't felt this way about a guy in a long time.

I haven't left my bed to see someone, or broken from my plans to see someone in a long time, no one was worth it but Bryan is... his words, his feelings he shares, his smile and his initmate stares... is all so much that I try to push him away......so he pushes back.

his kiss.... is explosive
and it scares me......

Love Dies

The more and more i get hurt from love the more I ask...what the hell is the point? Everything is temporary... Why love a person, thing, pet when they all die and leave and you're just left with pain?
My Nero is my sweetheart, my little man and now I have to put him to sleep. People tell me why get bent out of shape? B/c despite people, Nero loves me unconditionally. I never owed him an explanation for anything i did, or living my life, I was never the bad guy when I disciplined him and when i was in pain, he would jump on my bed and be my teddy bear. He was only a puppy and I couldn't protect him. So excuse me while i morn my sweetheart.

I went from hopeful, to tearyeyed to make the decision to put him to sleep, to relieved when they didn't, hopeful again and now i'm back to miserable since they will have to put him to sleep...again.

I only hope that he'll be with God and my dad in Heaven.
**I understand not everyone understands what it's like to be so close to a pet and lose them but please don't act like my feelings shouldn't be validated b/c God forbid YOU can't understand.

Introducing PEANUT!!!

My friend Liz is having a baby. This is Peanut at 12.5 weeks and she's waving. They're not sure she's a girl but i think so... so there ya go!

Why does he make it hard?

why do people do the things they do?
why say you love someone when all you do is end up hurting them?
why make them cry?

I've been asking these questions so much lately, I'm tired of the record. In fact, I'm tired period. I barely have anything left to give anyone, but i will still try b/c not everyone is undeserving. but lately I realize that he is.... he is completely undeserving of my friendship, love or even my attention.
but it's like Ciara says in her song "i can't leave him alone". Not that i want to get back with him, but you don't share your life with someone only to take it back overnight. The bond is still there and probably always will be.

I just really want the best for him. I want him to grow up and be a man. I want him to realize he doesn't have to get over, to get somewhere and to trust himself. I want him to be ok, b/c i know at the end of the day, I will be.

I can't leave him alone

This breakup just gets uglier and uglier to the point where I can't even recognize the people in the situation. So many others have come on board and gotten involved.....

Garette vs. me, my brother, my mother and now a very close friend shavonne. My big bro couldn't take watching me cry anymore and just held his mouth one last time. This time, i heard yelling in the backyard....He read Garette the riot act. He cursed him out the way my mom has been wanting to for months.

At first I tried to stop him, but I stopped myself. Garette needed to hear it but more importantly, I needed to hear it. It was nothing I didn't know for myself but when you love somebody.... it takes the world to crumble before you can give up on them. Although my world was crumbling... my family wanted to save me before it was unrecognizable anymore.

I know I've been too nice, but I don't know how to be anything else. I honestly don't want to be. I'm mean when i have to be, but with the people i love, i hate being mean to them, which is why i just get quiet.

The crazy, sick thing... after everything we've been through, and he's put me through..... I can't help but still love him.

The end of what was...begnning of what will be

I guess i have alot of explaining to do...

so much has happened and it seemed if i didn't write it down i could avoid feeling it for that much longer but i can't put it off anymore. Garette and I broke up... No one cheated or anything like that, it was an argument that was way blown out of proportion, but because of it, we are no longer together.

I think the stress of being apart, not fully trying to understand each other and him being a buggart just got to be too much and that was all she wrote. It's been hard to deal with especially knowing the path we were on and reading the past blogs i've written. I did and i do still love him and we talk often on the phone but we will not be getting back together....

So this lady is single again after almost two years, in a new city and beginning to get used to the idea of dating again. This should make for some good stories!

not so fairy tale-ish

You ever felt ready for something but the timing was off? I'm ready for so much but it's not the right time. Biologically speaking, i'm not hearing any ticking clocks but I can feel it. I feel like i'm missing something on my left hand. I wear my ring on my right middle finger but so often i feel like there's a ring on my left hand and i took it off or something...its a weird feeling especially since i never wear rings on my left...actually i did once....

My ex and I (a good ex, not an asshole) got into a conversation about why women fantasize in relationships or have this fairy tale perception of relationships and i have to admit, throughout my relationship with him, that was a big reason for fights... I imagined what the relationship should be. What he should do (attributed to watching too much tv) when we argue, things he should say. I thought relationships were supposed to be romantic all the time....boy was i wrong. i looked for the overt romantic gestures instead of realizing the things he did everyday that were just because he loved me.

I wore a ring with my ex, on my left ring finger b/c we were "so in love". I told him it was b/c i was tired of getting hit on by men, so this would drive them off...but i knew what i wanted and it was too much pressure on him. this time i feel the pressure on myself and there's no way i want to transfer it to Garette. Everyone asks the "when are you guys getting married" question and i feel funny about it. Why ask if i don't have a ring on my finger? A ring is an indicator and obviously i don't have one so leave it alone.

I guess whoever he is currently with has that romantic/fairy tale bug and I've finally realized what it's truly about. Romantic gestures are nice , too many would freak me out, but i know when Garette cooks, it's because he knows I'm tired and hungry, when he sees me tossing and turning, he turns down the volume of the television, or he doesn't work in his computer programs late at night b/c the noises would wake me up. It's the compromise or the little gestures that you need to be clued into.

I do feel ready for that step... more than ready, but it's not the right time....

sucks.

long distance hugs

I tossed and turned.... so did he.
This living apart thing is not easy. it's only been a couple of days but it's hard when you're accustomed to the same person every day and night. I wondered if it's co-dependency... but I don't think that's it.

I've kept busy in the beginning, painting my room, sponging one wall, driving here and there. Kept myself so busy i was tired and ready to fall asleep every night... until Tuesday night. Being in the house alone, emptying more boxes, reality slapped me in the face and i broke down crying. I would be coming home at this time, getting off the train and walking to my apartment only to be greeted by cooked food a kiss and a teddy bear when i wanted to cuddle.

sleeping is hard, thinking is harder and hearing his voice so far away is the hardest. hearing how sad he feels is extremely difficult. wanting to hug him and knowing i can't hurts like hell, so i give him long distance kisses and non-transferable promises to suffice until we see each other again.

such is sacrifice.

my cup runneth over

it's been a while, but it's been busy.
Last week, I had lunch with my execs, dinner with co-workers and a surprise party from my office. It was quite an event i must say. I have never felt so much a part of the company as i did that day. Not to mention they quickly hired someone to replace me that for the day i trained her, seemed to be an idiot. But that is no longer my problem.

Listening to the founder make a short speech about my time in the company (14.5 months) and how valuable i was, i tried my best to keep it together. Nonetheless, i cried. My first real cry about moving and it happened in front of everyone (mostly everyone) in my office. I couldn't' believe i would have such emotions but there they were. I even got gifts. How cool. After work, i took my new school bag and items given to me and went for drinks with more co-workers. I felt like they were friends. I hadn't felt that way the whole time i worked there....such a same. I almost didn't want to say goodbye...

The next night was my going away party. I'll skip the drama inflicted on me by a careless, lying promoter and skip to the good parts.... I got so dang drunk part of the night comes in flashes. Marking my night, the only ppl that truly showed were my closest friends (even those that attempted to and couldn't, even the ppl that called afterwards i appreciated) and an old friend. Mo and her husband showed first, I've known both of them since elementary and jr. high and it was special to see them there.... the best part, knowing once Mo is a friend, she is always a friend. She was one of the girls trying to hoist me off of the toilet in the club and slapping me in the face to keep me conscious outside of the club.

Garette, it meant so much to have him there. I know his issues with my friends, he knows they don't really like him, rather me be without him and that's why he stays away from them. He was my post, he kept me up as much as he could and took care of me all night and all day following as he always does. I started crying when Loi hugged me in the club and ran to cry on Garette's shoulder.... i don't know how I'm going to be apart from him... but i know i will be with him always.

The girls and the boys... my group of familia made sure i went out with a bang. Fireworks and all, i couldn't have imagined a night like that.... I don't want to get that drunk again but we can get close :)

The movers took everything i needed Wednesday and its the night before my flight. Garette held me for an hour while i cried. Being apart from my Mom will be incredibly hard, from my friends too, but most of all from Garette. I've never been this much in love with anyone. No one has taken as much care of me as he has, put me first, looked out for me as much as he has. he calls when it looks like rain to make sure i have an umbrella, make sure i ate, makes sure when i toss and turn in the middle of the night that I'm ok. All the little things mean so much to me, tomorrow is not guaranteed, but i thank GOD that he was brought to me when he was and I hope this is not where the chapter ends but part two in the series begins.

I love you baby

So in love with no other

I don't know why, but today I feel so In love.....not that he did anything in particular that was amazing...just something in the air I guess, that made me write a little something. I haven't written in a while, so it's rusty, but it conveys what i feel when I think of him, or see him. I remember having these feelings when we first started falling for each other....it's nice to feel it again.


I'm so totally in love with him
This man has taken my soul into his
Spinning me around on my toes
I no longer this of another
I am so in love with his swagger
When he walks, I am at attention
Ready to keep in his stride
I no longer walk with another
I am so in love with his voice
His words tremble out like thunder
Shattering the earth in his wake when he says
I no longer will love another
I am so in love with his arms
They comfort & assure me I am safe within them
Surround me with love all night long
I no longer hug another
I am so in love with his spirit
Let a man be a man and do man things
You want the best for me and get the best of me
I no longer let another be
This is the man for me
I am so in love
with you.

reality Check

Garette and I "unofficially" live together. I've been comfortable saying this when anyone asks... even when they tell me to stop bullshitting. It's unofficial, he doesn't have all his clothes, Most of his clothes are at his other place. So it makes sense, he can't live with me if he doesn't have all his "stuff". He only has one piece of furniture, a hideous TV stand that doesn't have a TV on it because i have an entertainment center.

This rationale has sat comfortably with me for 6 months and then a survey form comes along and makes me wipe off the foggy window. Filling out a survey for Evite (you could win $2500, why not), the box for relationship gave no leeway.

8) Which of the following best describes your marital status?
Married or living with a partner
Single and never married
Divorced, widowed, or separated

I'm not married, but i am living with him... am i living with him...i might as well admit it...he's there everyday...he cleans (yes he cleans)...he gives me money toward daily living expenses so.... yes OH DAMN....reality right where i don't need it, in my face.

yea, shortly thereafter i went back and fogged up the window. Denial is a lovely place south of keep your nose in your own business-ville and west of i don't know what you're talking about-land. It does help that "married or living with a partner" referred to homosexual couples who can't marry so since the answer didn't apply to me, it doesn't count as an epiphany.

yay me