role reversal

Why is it that when you spell it out for the guy, they say they understand and they're fine with it. Certain situations are like a dream come true for them. NO games, just straight-talk, it is what it is and it's done.

until they become Bitches....

Whining, complaining little girls.... You see Fronts changed overnight. It's funny b/c he supposedly wants to be a rapper but he needs to be the backup dancer. I should save the texts and phone calls I got from him in case he ever makes it. Our 'relationship' was never a consistent one where we spoke every night or even every other night. But suddenly, he wants to know why I don't call and why didn't i see him when i said i 'might'.

see.... not a man.....a bitch, and totally unattractive.

a sign or a test

In the past two days, i got called for two job interviews in NY. Now it's been almost a year since I've applied for jobs in NY so something is going on. Is it a sign... I'm not really feeling going back to NY.

Or is it a test? Would I give up my current path for money?
both jobs I would like, One was for event planning (DUH!) in a university (Double DUH) and the other was working in a pre-school with children.... (DANGNAMMIT). Where were these ppl when I was looking for a reason to stay in NY?

what do you think?

blahze

Feeling a bit down lately.
Just Blahze
need a pick me up.... I should download some music, that always seems to work.

*sigh*

a different experience

So i had an 'experience' with Fronts....
it was very different and not one that i enjoyed too much. A combination of his style (of which i did not approve of) and not being into it emotionally. Now casually it's something I can turn on and off, but at this point in my life, I don't really want to.

If he would have just stopped being affectionate, things would have gone smoother. But I just had to stop.... and get out of there.

Am I just too old for such 'experiences'? possibly. I want more, from someone who wants more from me... I want to be a friend with someone and have that experience, I don't want to just have an experience I want it to be special each time.

Doors are closing and opening all over the place

A very tiring weekend closes out yet another chapter in my life. It's over...finally. I always want him to be around but i guess it can't be in the same capacity and I'm OK with that.

Last Saturday I emptied out my apt... and Sunday we said goodbye. It wasn't under the best of circumstances and it wasn't the kind of goodbye I wanted but it was goodbye.
Sunday was my friends wedding, a different experience but I was almost in tears seeing her walk down the aisle. She was so beautiful and happy. I had to miss the reception to catch a flight and get back home for work in the morning...

I'm working on my own now. This was my first week alone and I think i did pretty well. I know I messed up a couple of times but hopefully it won't be too drastic and I'll have some leeway.

and now the stuff you really want to hear about... the men stuff...
Right now, there are three prospects...
Coach, Fronts and Boss

Coach, I'm interested in for more than just the trivial. he's tall as heck so that will be a first but I don't know how he feels about me. he's always inviting me here and there, and most recently invited me to church with him to ring in the new years. His bday is in two weeks and i think i have an inexpensive gift idea that he would like. Basketball game tix. That way we can have fun, I've never been to a Bball game so that will be cool and it's a date, so i can get a feel of where he's at.

Fronts i met a while back.... real southern dude. A rapper of course but I'm not interested in him for more than.... 'chillin'. I can't figure out his game... if he wants more or not but i know that i don't, so hopefully he's cool with just being a buddy.

The Boss.... real serious dude. I haven't really gotten to know this one too much since I'm so busy lately. and my schedule is bad enough to deal with and me adding 3 guys into the mix. But he's interested in me, likes the chase (as any successful, serious mans man does) so I'm going to stay busy and let him chase...

I know some ppl may say that i need time to heal and i should just lay off guys at the moment, but i disagree. The more that comes out about my former love, the more I realize that i most likely would be grieving over something i thought was there but probably wasn't. A lot of lies for little things means lies for big things as well. and if there's one thing to know about me is that i hate liars.

So I'm cool for now, besides, I'm not the single, dating type of girl. I'm the, "it's winter and i want to snuggle up" type of Lady!

Why does he make it hard?

why do people do the things they do?
why say you love someone when all you do is end up hurting them?
why make them cry?

I've been asking these questions so much lately, I'm tired of the record. In fact, I'm tired period. I barely have anything left to give anyone, but i will still try b/c not everyone is undeserving. but lately I realize that he is.... he is completely undeserving of my friendship, love or even my attention.
but it's like Ciara says in her song "i can't leave him alone". Not that i want to get back with him, but you don't share your life with someone only to take it back overnight. The bond is still there and probably always will be.

I just really want the best for him. I want him to grow up and be a man. I want him to realize he doesn't have to get over, to get somewhere and to trust himself. I want him to be ok, b/c i know at the end of the day, I will be.

I can't leave him alone

This breakup just gets uglier and uglier to the point where I can't even recognize the people in the situation. So many others have come on board and gotten involved.....

Garette vs. me, my brother, my mother and now a very close friend shavonne. My big bro couldn't take watching me cry anymore and just held his mouth one last time. This time, i heard yelling in the backyard....He read Garette the riot act. He cursed him out the way my mom has been wanting to for months.

At first I tried to stop him, but I stopped myself. Garette needed to hear it but more importantly, I needed to hear it. It was nothing I didn't know for myself but when you love somebody.... it takes the world to crumble before you can give up on them. Although my world was crumbling... my family wanted to save me before it was unrecognizable anymore.

I know I've been too nice, but I don't know how to be anything else. I honestly don't want to be. I'm mean when i have to be, but with the people i love, i hate being mean to them, which is why i just get quiet.

The crazy, sick thing... after everything we've been through, and he's put me through..... I can't help but still love him.

The large friendly office

So I'm at my new job as an Intake Coordinator for United Behavioral Health and I'm thinking... this can be cool. It's overwhelming with everything you have to learn. You're working on 5 different systems at one time while on the phone with someone and I'm training on the systems now but i guess I will get used to them once I observe and start taking calls.

This company is a real company. I've always worked for smaller firms and what's so funny is that first impression here is that people like where they work. It reminds me of Lupe's job, everyone is so friendly and happy and smiling and conversing with each other. My first day I was in conversations with people who saw a new face....that's great. Today I have an invitation to hang out with another co-worker (different dept) and her friends at her house anytime i want (not sexual dirty people). My benefits started Thursday and there are so many perks to the job I don't know where to start.

Discounts on my phone bill, new cars and mortgages, you even get perks for doing a good job. My classmate got a bonus for coming within her percentile range and you get bonuses for referring people who eventually got hired. And I'm not talking $50 bonuses, a nice couple of hundred. The Christmas party will be a black tie event....I'm so excited!

Also, now they want me to start taking calls while my mentor ghosts on them... I'm nervous, it's a lot to go over and you know i hate messing up. On a plus, I got an A- in my last class so I'm truly excited and happy. Now to go home and sleep...right after my coverage comes at this second job.

updating life

I'm at work, doing my last overnight.... (i never want to be up this late unless I'm coming from a really great party) thinking, how boring this is. I have 2.25 hours until I'm outta here and I couldn't be happier.

Update I- I've been perusing online personal websites (not going to say which one(s)) just slowly getting myself back out there. I don't meet too many people with my schedule (that should change a bit with my new job)... and I don't like clubbing all that much. Either way, I'm not too sure how serious I would take someone I met in the club, just like I'm not too serious about online dating. More so b/c I've been there and done that and it's never really worked.

why am I doing it again? why not. I get to talk to guys from the ATL area, get to know what these guys are like and hopefully they'll put me on to some spots i could hit up. It's all about networking people.

Update II- I start my new job, or at least begin training for it on Monday. Fortunately for me it's a casual environment, so I don't have to buy alot of clothes. I will still work part time at Delta for a maximum of 15 hours a week. I won't keep that schedule (plus two nights of school) for long, especially if I want to be with someone, but for now, it's fine.

and that's basically it for now.

Mis-Management

So I got a new job (pending drug screening and background check) but basically I got a new job WITH BENEFITS yayayayayayayyayayayay!! Intake Coordinator at United Health Group.

so here's the thing, I told the snotty manager here with no damn experience on how to manage a workplace, that i got a day job and will no longer be able to work the overnight shifts (Not that i care too much since this is day 4 of me not getting paid) and the heifa got an attitude. Of course any manager worth their paychecks would be disappointed to lose a valuable asset such as myself, however, I did not quit; i merely reduced and changed my hours.

I figured I would work two or three nights a week after work basically take over for the guy that quit and one day on the weekend. THIS HEIFA as payback maybe, put me to work on Friday, Saturday and Sunday, meaning I would work 7 days a week PLUS school. Oh you got to be kidding. You got to be off your rocker....crack is wack so why are you still smoking it hun!

So extra money or not.... looks like I'm about to tell Delta to take this job and .... well you know.
The worst part is that i really like my co-workers and that is a first. I get along with all of them, and everyone at Delta but this manager is a dumbass and I have no benefits. Hopefully the staff at UHG will be just as friendly and fun.

The end of what was...begnning of what will be

I guess i have alot of explaining to do...

so much has happened and it seemed if i didn't write it down i could avoid feeling it for that much longer but i can't put it off anymore. Garette and I broke up... No one cheated or anything like that, it was an argument that was way blown out of proportion, but because of it, we are no longer together.

I think the stress of being apart, not fully trying to understand each other and him being a buggart just got to be too much and that was all she wrote. It's been hard to deal with especially knowing the path we were on and reading the past blogs i've written. I did and i do still love him and we talk often on the phone but we will not be getting back together....

So this lady is single again after almost two years, in a new city and beginning to get used to the idea of dating again. This should make for some good stories!

dreamin'

my dreams have always been weird but since i've been in Atl, they've become weirder. i've dreamed about alot of people from my past, having a high school reunion or a romantic relationship with someone i probably haven't spoken to in months or years.

Last night, it was a who's who in my life. it took place in what was supposed to be my aunts basement. All of my friends, plus old friends, old crushes, and exes were there. wer were having a party and ordered liquor (no food i can remember, just liquor). An old crush i called teddy bear gave me a stack ($1000) to buy liquor with and of course Garette being jealous matched this, so we had more than enough liquor to go around. Garette was there and apparently we were still living together but I was now with his friend (which wouldn't happen cause his friend is too small for me). it was just weird seeing everyone there (most dont get along with each other) in one place... maybe i'm missing home.

I'll be home soon

not so fairy tale-ish

You ever felt ready for something but the timing was off? I'm ready for so much but it's not the right time. Biologically speaking, i'm not hearing any ticking clocks but I can feel it. I feel like i'm missing something on my left hand. I wear my ring on my right middle finger but so often i feel like there's a ring on my left hand and i took it off or something...its a weird feeling especially since i never wear rings on my left...actually i did once....

My ex and I (a good ex, not an asshole) got into a conversation about why women fantasize in relationships or have this fairy tale perception of relationships and i have to admit, throughout my relationship with him, that was a big reason for fights... I imagined what the relationship should be. What he should do (attributed to watching too much tv) when we argue, things he should say. I thought relationships were supposed to be romantic all the time....boy was i wrong. i looked for the overt romantic gestures instead of realizing the things he did everyday that were just because he loved me.

I wore a ring with my ex, on my left ring finger b/c we were "so in love". I told him it was b/c i was tired of getting hit on by men, so this would drive them off...but i knew what i wanted and it was too much pressure on him. this time i feel the pressure on myself and there's no way i want to transfer it to Garette. Everyone asks the "when are you guys getting married" question and i feel funny about it. Why ask if i don't have a ring on my finger? A ring is an indicator and obviously i don't have one so leave it alone.

I guess whoever he is currently with has that romantic/fairy tale bug and I've finally realized what it's truly about. Romantic gestures are nice , too many would freak me out, but i know when Garette cooks, it's because he knows I'm tired and hungry, when he sees me tossing and turning, he turns down the volume of the television, or he doesn't work in his computer programs late at night b/c the noises would wake me up. It's the compromise or the little gestures that you need to be clued into.

I do feel ready for that step... more than ready, but it's not the right time....

sucks.

to be or not to be with AC

When i bought the car, the A/C was broken... of course the seller gave the impression that it was just the a/c compressor, not too hard to fix. I've been without air conditioning in the car for about a month now, and i was good until 90+ degree weather hit feeling more like 112. I can't stand it anymore, so I take the car for an estimate....

and wait three hours.... I knew an Infiniti would have a heavy cost associated with it, but who the hell knew it would be $1400 to fix the a/c system? Not I said the cat.

I don't have $1400. I don't even have $400. This is a disaster. I'm really thinking of taking the train today, although I don't think i would enjoy waiting for the bus at school just to get back to the train station after class is over. that was not fun the last time and i ended up walking with no bus in sight.

so, should i take off at 4:30 and take the train, or do 80 on the highway to catch the warm air through the car just so i don't have any crazies asking me to buy bootlegs? decisions decisions...

Simpsonize yourself

That's me as a Simpsons character. I think I'm cute as a cartoon LOL. I've been meaning to do this for a while but only now got around to it.

see how you look as a cartoon.

anyway...off to get info on my research paper.

They're biting

The worst part about living down south....the bugs are horrendous... i also live in the country so to speak. I bet the bugs wouldn't be so present in the city but if i wanted to live the city life, i'd move back home. Here, you can go outside for just a couple of minutes and end up with enough mosquito bites to play connect the dots.

I had to have Garette run off a huge water bug and then while driving one crawled across the front of my car. if anyone knows me, they would know that i would pull a car over if that damn thing got into the car.

One more thing, when it rains in NY, it rains all day, nothing too serious... in Georgia, while driving home from school, it was a variable rain storm so bad i had to pull off the road b/c i couldn't see two feet in front of me. the amazing thing is watching how fast people still drive in the middle of all that. and fifteen minutes later and 9 miles down the road, it's as dry as an Arizona desert.

that's my life right now, bugs, sparatic rain and alot of itching.

blast from the past

my ex called....the one i thought could be the one.

a little background... a couple of years ago, my co-worker asked me and a friend of mine, what it was we wanted in a guy. I stated quite a bit of qualities, both physical characteristics as well as mental and spiritual. basically i wanted a man's man, physically built with some baby fat (i'm a bit of a chubby chaser), a man who took charge. A couple of days later, i met Randy, everything that was on my list. We met at my favorite pool hall and he worked right next door in my favorite dress shop and we never crossed paths until that night. I guess all of the co-incidences led to what seemed like a destined romance...however four months into the relationship be began to withdraw with the classic line "I'm going through something" however, he never told me what it was he was going through. After a couple of weeks i got tired of waiting around for him to feel better, so i broke it off.

We kept dating or at least having a physical relationship afterwards for a couple of months. One day i worked up the nerve to ask him to escort me to a wedding of an old friend of mine (my ex was the best man so i had to look good) and he told me he couldn't b/c he was with someone and it wouldn't be appropriate. I said ok and asked about his girl and then the world stopped when he told me, "she's my wife". I was heavy into weddings at the time, i just wanted to meet someone, get married and start a family and since he wanted the same thing i thought we were on the way so for us to break it off and he got married to someone else within a month, not only hurt, it felt like someone stabbed me over and over again until i just had to hang up the phone.

Over the next year he called sparatically asking about my relationship, my life etc... i always asked him why call? we were ex's, your wife wouldn't appreciate this etc etc. he would brag about his wife (which all seemed like lies). Finally, while on vacation in March 2006, he called from in front of my house (thank GOD i wasn't there) I told him i was engaged so he would back off, instead he told me he was buying a two family house and why don't my fiance and i rent out the bottom apt. I finally told him in no uncertain words, leave me alone, go home to your pregnant wife and let me live my life without interruption.

SO it's been over a year and i haven't even thought about him. I've been happy, I've moved twice and I've changed jobs twice and gone back to school. I'm happy doing what i have to do...so of course, it's time for him to call. While i was at work on a particularly busy night, i answered my ringing phone thinking it was my friend calling me back...instead a male voice answered asking if i recognized him... after yelling at whoever it was on the phone he said his name...and the world paused again, this time from annoying shock. WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM MY LIFE?

i called him back after work, which was pretty late. he asked only about me, and i got the sense of something under his voice. so i asked him "hows married life?" apparently it wasn't everything he thought it would be, his kid was 13 months... i smell divorce in his future but i didn't say that out loud. he asked if i was happy.... and i was all too happy to say yes. I may be away from Garette, but i love him, living with him (very much like married life) seemed to have the opposite effect from Randy's situation. the best part.... I felt nothing. he didn't make me happy, make me wonder what it would have been like, nothing. he is nothing to me and that's great.

incidentally i also heard from two other ex's the same night....

i had a plan

i had a plan to go to the library all day, study until 6 then take my midterm, ace it and come home to my baby to celebrate (if you know what i mean...ma, i mean by eating ;)). things are not going according to plan.

Not realizing his id expired on his bday, Garette couldn't make the train. Compounding matters was the fact that someone at his friends house where he was staying in NC, stole his money out of his bag. Not cool. So i have to wait yet another day so he can take the bus, b/c Greyhound is totally anonymous. Meaning I could probably still celebrate in the wee hours of the AM.

Then, my prescription which was left in NY, CVS has to now fill for me which will be expensive since i'm not on insurance and unlike NY which takes about 20 min or less to fill it, they need an hour so i won't be leaving the house for another hour to study in the library AND depending on traffic, it can take me 40-60 minutes to get up to school. (i do love the fact that it takes me only 10 minutes to get to work...BIG change from NY)

Am i worried? not really, i take information in pretty well and i read fast. Plus my professor is so kind as to summarize everything on powerpoint slides when he's lecturing in class and prints out copies for us all to have.... that wonderful man!

So wish me luck... i don't know what it is but i'm never ever able to study at home.

coming off the midnight high

i just worked my first overnight...and they put me to work by myself. I thought i would have had someone to bug out with and keep me company, instead i was all by my lonesome messing up stuff (was fixed eventually) and trying my best not to drop to sleep in the middle of 'mission control center'. 11pm to 7am is not whats it cracked up to be and I'm going to need allot more snacks to be able to handle it all. but i did handle it and by quarter to 8 i was headed home, head nodding to fantasia on the radio.

but now it's 1:34 and i haven't been able to sleep much since i got home although the bags under my eyes say i really need to. Sunday i have an 11pm-3am shift which should be a little better. Just have to get enough mommi time in today since she's leaving tomorrow afternoon...

side not: can you believe I'm paying more in insurance down here than i was in NY? I-effing-ronic!

atl update

everyone wants to know how i'm doing so let me tell you
I've got a job as you may have read in previous posts, Crew Accommodations for Delta Airlines. It's part time to give me the flexibility with school and getting back into the swing of things. I'm in training right now so i'm getting used to coding and scheduling etc. that's all i can say about that due to confidentiality policies.

I bought a car... i needed an automatic to get around b/c using my brothers Porsche, as much as it makes me look glamorous, is not practical. It was cool though but all his other cars were stick shift and i don't know how to drive those. Now i have an Infinity Q45. it needs minor work but it's mine and i'm thrilled.

and i now i have a pup... he'll probably be my brothers puppy since he follows Vita and Vita follows Jason. His name is Nero and right now he spends alot of time in the cage since he gets too excited and has little accidents. He looks just like Vita, grey with lighter eyes and white patches...

So that's it for now...company's here, gotta be personable.