role reversal

Why is it that when you spell it out for the guy, they say they understand and they're fine with it. Certain situations are like a dream come true for them. NO games, just straight-talk, it is what it is and it's done.

until they become Bitches....

Whining, complaining little girls.... You see Fronts changed overnight. It's funny b/c he supposedly wants to be a rapper but he needs to be the backup dancer. I should save the texts and phone calls I got from him in case he ever makes it. Our 'relationship' was never a consistent one where we spoke every night or even every other night. But suddenly, he wants to know why I don't call and why didn't i see him when i said i 'might'.

see.... not a man.....a bitch, and totally unattractive.

a sign or a test

In the past two days, i got called for two job interviews in NY. Now it's been almost a year since I've applied for jobs in NY so something is going on. Is it a sign... I'm not really feeling going back to NY.

Or is it a test? Would I give up my current path for money?
both jobs I would like, One was for event planning (DUH!) in a university (Double DUH) and the other was working in a pre-school with children.... (DANGNAMMIT). Where were these ppl when I was looking for a reason to stay in NY?

what do you think?

blahze

Feeling a bit down lately.
Just Blahze
need a pick me up.... I should download some music, that always seems to work.

*sigh*

a different experience

So i had an 'experience' with Fronts....
it was very different and not one that i enjoyed too much. A combination of his style (of which i did not approve of) and not being into it emotionally. Now casually it's something I can turn on and off, but at this point in my life, I don't really want to.

If he would have just stopped being affectionate, things would have gone smoother. But I just had to stop.... and get out of there.

Am I just too old for such 'experiences'? possibly. I want more, from someone who wants more from me... I want to be a friend with someone and have that experience, I don't want to just have an experience I want it to be special each time.

Doors are closing and opening all over the place

A very tiring weekend closes out yet another chapter in my life. It's over...finally. I always want him to be around but i guess it can't be in the same capacity and I'm OK with that.

Last Saturday I emptied out my apt... and Sunday we said goodbye. It wasn't under the best of circumstances and it wasn't the kind of goodbye I wanted but it was goodbye.
Sunday was my friends wedding, a different experience but I was almost in tears seeing her walk down the aisle. She was so beautiful and happy. I had to miss the reception to catch a flight and get back home for work in the morning...

I'm working on my own now. This was my first week alone and I think i did pretty well. I know I messed up a couple of times but hopefully it won't be too drastic and I'll have some leeway.

and now the stuff you really want to hear about... the men stuff...
Right now, there are three prospects...
Coach, Fronts and Boss

Coach, I'm interested in for more than just the trivial. he's tall as heck so that will be a first but I don't know how he feels about me. he's always inviting me here and there, and most recently invited me to church with him to ring in the new years. His bday is in two weeks and i think i have an inexpensive gift idea that he would like. Basketball game tix. That way we can have fun, I've never been to a Bball game so that will be cool and it's a date, so i can get a feel of where he's at.

Fronts i met a while back.... real southern dude. A rapper of course but I'm not interested in him for more than.... 'chillin'. I can't figure out his game... if he wants more or not but i know that i don't, so hopefully he's cool with just being a buddy.

The Boss.... real serious dude. I haven't really gotten to know this one too much since I'm so busy lately. and my schedule is bad enough to deal with and me adding 3 guys into the mix. But he's interested in me, likes the chase (as any successful, serious mans man does) so I'm going to stay busy and let him chase...

I know some ppl may say that i need time to heal and i should just lay off guys at the moment, but i disagree. The more that comes out about my former love, the more I realize that i most likely would be grieving over something i thought was there but probably wasn't. A lot of lies for little things means lies for big things as well. and if there's one thing to know about me is that i hate liars.

So I'm cool for now, besides, I'm not the single, dating type of girl. I'm the, "it's winter and i want to snuggle up" type of Lady!

Why does he make it hard?

why do people do the things they do?
why say you love someone when all you do is end up hurting them?
why make them cry?

I've been asking these questions so much lately, I'm tired of the record. In fact, I'm tired period. I barely have anything left to give anyone, but i will still try b/c not everyone is undeserving. but lately I realize that he is.... he is completely undeserving of my friendship, love or even my attention.
but it's like Ciara says in her song "i can't leave him alone". Not that i want to get back with him, but you don't share your life with someone only to take it back overnight. The bond is still there and probably always will be.

I just really want the best for him. I want him to grow up and be a man. I want him to realize he doesn't have to get over, to get somewhere and to trust himself. I want him to be ok, b/c i know at the end of the day, I will be.

I can't leave him alone

This breakup just gets uglier and uglier to the point where I can't even recognize the people in the situation. So many others have come on board and gotten involved.....

Garette vs. me, my brother, my mother and now a very close friend shavonne. My big bro couldn't take watching me cry anymore and just held his mouth one last time. This time, i heard yelling in the backyard....He read Garette the riot act. He cursed him out the way my mom has been wanting to for months.

At first I tried to stop him, but I stopped myself. Garette needed to hear it but more importantly, I needed to hear it. It was nothing I didn't know for myself but when you love somebody.... it takes the world to crumble before you can give up on them. Although my world was crumbling... my family wanted to save me before it was unrecognizable anymore.

I know I've been too nice, but I don't know how to be anything else. I honestly don't want to be. I'm mean when i have to be, but with the people i love, i hate being mean to them, which is why i just get quiet.

The crazy, sick thing... after everything we've been through, and he's put me through..... I can't help but still love him.

The large friendly office

So I'm at my new job as an Intake Coordinator for United Behavioral Health and I'm thinking... this can be cool. It's overwhelming with everything you have to learn. You're working on 5 different systems at one time while on the phone with someone and I'm training on the systems now but i guess I will get used to them once I observe and start taking calls.

This company is a real company. I've always worked for smaller firms and what's so funny is that first impression here is that people like where they work. It reminds me of Lupe's job, everyone is so friendly and happy and smiling and conversing with each other. My first day I was in conversations with people who saw a new face....that's great. Today I have an invitation to hang out with another co-worker (different dept) and her friends at her house anytime i want (not sexual dirty people). My benefits started Thursday and there are so many perks to the job I don't know where to start.

Discounts on my phone bill, new cars and mortgages, you even get perks for doing a good job. My classmate got a bonus for coming within her percentile range and you get bonuses for referring people who eventually got hired. And I'm not talking $50 bonuses, a nice couple of hundred. The Christmas party will be a black tie event....I'm so excited!

Also, now they want me to start taking calls while my mentor ghosts on them... I'm nervous, it's a lot to go over and you know i hate messing up. On a plus, I got an A- in my last class so I'm truly excited and happy. Now to go home and sleep...right after my coverage comes at this second job.