A Lady Becomes A Woman

Feeling Blessed

2012-01-26T17:56:00.000-05:00

In less than 24 hours, I will have something all my own. I'm too excited. I will be a homeowner..

Bring me to life

2012-01-08T07:57:00.000-05:00

I woke up crazy early this morning since i couldn't seem to make it back to sleep, i went for a morning run. It felt like ice going through my lungs, but it was liberating.

Ive been basically laying in bed for a day and a half with the blahs. I convinced myself during the week that i was ok and doing well and by Friday evening i was in the dumps again. No appeitite, no desire to cook, just a diet of pain, tears and dread. I usually saw him on the weekend and I wint be seeing or talking to him and its hurtful. then fact that my closest "friends" havent even checked in with me just angered me. It's been almost 5 years and the closest friend i have, i just broke up with.

Love is pain

2012-01-04T19:04:00.000-05:00

I know it doesn't have to be but thats where I am right now. I can still feel my heart breaking from time to time but its not too bad. Not dure if I want to date yet but I do want to at leaet talk tomsome guys and get used to that. Baby steps i keep telling myself...

Plugging into my sanity

2011-12-31T16:55:00.003-05:00

I always feel so ackward trying to make a New Years resolution. i think they are kind of silly to plan a change, i figure, just do it. Nonetheless, I do feel there are things that I need to work on.

#1- With a crazy, crazy job and schedule at times I need an outlet, some release. To help with that I bought a pair of running shoes and re-started my blog (as u can see).

#2- Patience - geez i wish i had patience. i can be demanding and especially since i became a boss i feel like im even more so. A controlling person may be great for what I do but the gray hairs aren't worth it for my age. Maybe a return to yoga to meditate would be worth it.

hopefully this can help me out since I don't even want to talk to other people anymore. Im still a lady at this point trying to be a woman with a happy life...and trying to figure out what that will take.

2010-03-01T20:06:00.003-05:00

I want love... I want it, so bad... I miss it, being that person to someone else.

Is it bad that I said that?

My ex came over the other night to hang out. We had fun just watching tv, eating, talking and chilling basically. Then we slept.... and it was good. To wake up in the middle of the night and someone is wrapped around you, moves with you, seeks you out when you move to the edge. It. feels. awesome. That's exactly what I want. Not to say that I want that with my ex but I know what I want.

He's a great guy, always will have me smiling and I would always know that I'm beautiful but he's just not there yet and that hurts.

Online matchmaking

2010-02-03T21:09:00.002-05:00

So I'm actively using an online "relationship" site to find a date. With my life being the way it is now i'm so dang busy I dont have time to go where the men are. So this particular site sends you matches instead of you looking through them. Ok i guess seeing as every man they send me is 5'5" or a few inches taller... I mean really?? I'm 6'1" and before you ask, Yes i made sure to click the "very important" button next to the height requirements LOL

So I've talked to 2 guys and met 0 in person. It doesn't appear I'm doing any better with this site than I could have in the club. Then there's the ones that constantly look at your picture rather than just send the message or start the process.... on to the next one.

Full tank and no where to go

2010-01-30T23:38:00.002-05:00

You ever just want to be in love? Just feel like you're tank is filled to the brim and there's no vehicle to transfer this love to? that's how i feel. I wasted a year being something to someone and in the end we weren't what i thought we were. I possibly ruined what could have been a good love, and now i'm full of this emotion and no one to give it to. Totally sucks. Just venting

His name

2009-02-03T15:41:00.002-05:00

His name is Bryan* and he is fantastic, sexy, intelligent, caring, supportive, giving and more. Technically he's mine but we forgo the titles "girlfriend/boyfriend"... just mine. We had our first "fight" if you want to call it that and I thought for sure it was over, but nope, within minutes he brushed it aside and comforted me b/c as he says "you can't get rid of me that easily"... and why would I want to?

He has no kids, an engineering degree, works two jobs just trying to get into his field... basically he works every day of the week and he eats ALOT! which isn't so bad since i like to cook. But as it stands from last post, I'm happy and i'm not scared of being happy anymore... I'm spoiled now. I miss him when he's not there sleeping next to me, I miss him during the day when i should be working (right now) and he sends me messages everyday.
I'm happy

new excitement

2008-11-20T13:00:00.004-05:00

Im excited and it scares the crap out of me...

The last time i was excited like this about a guy, we spent two years "happy" and in the end I was broke, moved to another state and my car was seized as 'evidence'. Not the kind of excitement i need in my life if you know what i mean.
But Bryan seems so real but so unreal for me. It's as if someone read my romantic fantasies and produced the stallion in all airport- book dramas. We flow...we chat..we commiserate about nothing and everything...and when it's time to go, we get sad. It's an exciting feeling b/c I haven't felt this way about a guy in a long time.

I haven't left my bed to see someone, or broken from my plans to see someone in a long time, no one was worth it but Bryan is... his words, his feelings he shares, his smile and his initmate stares... is all so much that I try to push him away......so he pushes back.

his kiss.... is explosive
and it scares me......

The bad date

2008-06-30T14:21:00.004-04:00

I've had a couple of bad dates in my life, but this one... Whew.. read for yourself.

*taken from emails I sent around b/c it was truly unbelievable.

so, i met this guy on blackplanet b/c my girlfriend Nic said to go on meet guys it worked for her blah blah. I met this guy we'll call Geo, he's nice, great convo we have so much in common.

i wanna meet him, he wants to meet me etc. make a date for sat the 28th, he'll take the day off take me to breakfast make me dinner blah blah. texting all day Wednesday and he decides he wants to see me that night. I say ok, im scruffy but always cute so im cool. he gets there....the dude is chubby, not athletic like he said, scruffy, beard unkept. strike one!

so we go in (we met at fridays) sit at the bar. no sooner than we sit down the bartender comes over and Geo says ''do u remember me, i was in here with two girls'', bartender says ''i think so'' so now Geo says '' yea u were flirting with me, uh huh, u were flirting with me then''. Now I've met this bartender, he's nice to everyone and far from gay. bartender looks at me, im looking at dude like wtf? and Geo keeps going despite the bartender saying ''really, i think u have the wrong person"

Geo goes on telling the waitress and what not... he's serious. then im noticing this dude got some tendencies... hands and he talks kinda gayish. i finally ask... wtf was that...to which Geo says i was joking.

me: no u were not.

i tell him to apologize but the bartender doesnt want to hear it. i was so embarrassed i had to leave...... then he tries to kiss me outside.

lawd what is wrong with these men!

Love Dies

2008-04-01T19:08:00.004-04:00

The more and more i get hurt from love the more I ask...what the hell is the point? Everything is temporary... Why love a person, thing, pet when they all die and leave and you're just left with pain?
My Nero is my sweetheart, my little man and now I have to put him to sleep. People tell me why get bent out of shape? B/c despite people, Nero loves me unconditionally. I never owed him an explanation for anything i did, or living my life, I was never the bad guy when I disciplined him and when i was in pain, he would jump on my bed and be my teddy bear. He was only a puppy and I couldn't protect him. So excuse me while i morn my sweetheart.

I went from hopeful, to tearyeyed to make the decision to put him to sleep, to relieved when they didn't, hopeful again and now i'm back to miserable since they will have to put him to sleep...again.

I only hope that he'll be with God and my dad in Heaven.
**I understand not everyone understands what it's like to be so close to a pet and lose them but please don't act like my feelings shouldn't be validated b/c God forbid YOU can't understand.

Crisis Call

2008-03-30T12:18:00.003-04:00

At my job we occasionally get a "crisis" call. This means, the person on the line is so distraught we have to transfer them to a professional counselor to talk to ASAP. As an intake Coordinator anyone that sounds like they are in imminent danger to themselves or others, we have to keep them on the phone, notify a supervisor and they will get the on call Licensed Professional Counselor.

On Friday, I got my first Crisis call. Now although he wasn't about to kill himself or anyone else, this particular gentleman began having a panic attack and was completely out of meds. He was on anxiety pills, anti-depressants and God knows what else. This poor gentleman totally broke down over the phone. while my supervisor called the On Call LPC, I was able to calm him down back to normal. The LPC who listened in to the tail end of my covno w/ panic man told me what a good job i did....

YAY! so it is sinking in

No time for blogging

2008-03-07T10:58:00.002-05:00

unfortunately I've been so busy I haven't had time to write. Shame on me, I know. my job doesn't really give me enough time to put my thoughts on the screen and school has me tired most of the time i just pass out when i get home. These are just excuses

Really I've had fantastic blogs in my head but they haven't been jotted down. So let me catch you up with whats going on. School is good, could be better since I got a B+ in my last class, but that prof was ANAL. Right now I've doubled up and I'm taking two classes. One evening class meets Monday and Wednesday, the other a weekend class is online mostly and you meet for one weekend; Friday 6-10, Saturday 9-5 and Sunday 9-3. Not as easy as i once thought.

My job is what it is....a job. nothing special, just dealing w/ people day in and day out. Management is on us at all times and it's getting tired fast. Jason said just work until 6 months and then get fired. LOL I'm in school anyway, i don't need the hassle.

Living w/ my brother is cool. I have a built in support system and best friends (the dogs are the bestest friends you could have).

On the dating/love side... Coach is still around. Although he will be moving, I like talking and chilling with him. He's cool peeps and we have a lot in common.
I am chit chatting with someone else... I'm not going to name him yet until after a second date. He's nice and easy to talk to but again he's someone who is not always readily available for me...meaning distance not that he's not single. What is it with me meeting guys who are unavailable?

Other than that, my momma's here for the weekend so i'ma get my lovin' in
and we'll see what happens w./ the new guy

Minivans

2008-01-21T08:45:00.000-05:00

Now I've always said "do not drive behind minivans"... they are slow and annoying and don't follow the understood traffic patterns. And they prove me right every freaking time.

Minivan drivers, why do you insist on driving in the fastest lane 20 miles slower than everyone else? It makes no sense, you don't have the pickup, you probably have more weight than the rest of us, but yet you feel the best lane for you is the left one....

Do you not notice all the cars lining up behind you? Do you not see how everyone has to go around you to pass you...If you must yell at the kids in the third row, do it from the second to right lane and let us be on our way...

Minivan drivers, realize you are no longer in a sports car, sedan or SUV, you are a minivan driver....accept it and let us be!

Same Ish...different month

2008-01-14T12:59:00.000-05:00

what's going on...not a damn thing. my mini Christmas vaca was busy with helping a friend move, showing my cousins around, visiting ppl... but still, I was happy to come back to ATL where life is a bit calmer.

Coach FINALLY moved back to ATL and we had a nice lil' homecoming LOL...Innocent enough but I finally got my kiss that was really good.

now i'm back to school and back to work (not really enjoying the second one) and not getting a part-time job, b/c my school work load is a bit heavy this semester... i need to concentrate on the A's.

Work is stressful with the OT I'm doing b/c of open enrollment.... by Friday my co-workers and I are exhausted and it's written all over everyone face.
I'm taking a day or two in Feb. One for sure when my homegirls come to visit.

Oh well, back to work :(

I can do it...

2007-12-31T10:56:00.001-05:00

After a long day of shopping and driving ppl around the city, we prepare to go back home to Brooklyn. Showing off our latest shopping finds from Canal Street and 34th street, we are relaxed and about 20 min away from our destination when a light comes on the dashboard. A simple (!) and a sign appears "Tire pressure low". Confused since i felt no difference, at the light I get out in the rain and it's not until i go around the back of the car when i see it, the rear passenger tire is as flat as a pancake.

Great

I pull over on a busy street and tell my aunt to call the rental car service #, then spring into action. I've been driving since i was 13 and there were certain things my father, brother and grandfather thought i should know.... How to jump a car, how to check your oil and add if necessary and how to change a tire (the last one courtesy of my big brother). So instantaneously, i take the spare out of the back and ask for assistance from a guy double parked in the car behind me. I haven't changed a tire in years, and these new fangled jacks and lug removers had be confused.

RELUCTANTLY he gets out after he sees me fiddling and noticed it was a car of women two of which were under 18 ( so i guess he figured he wouldn't get mugged). after he pulled out the accessories from the jack i was good to go, and within 30 minutes, the tire was changed and we were back in the car getting warm with hot chocolate. THEN the tow truck came LOL

I was so proud of myself (patting myself on the back), even the tow guy said he would come and grown men would just sit and wait, he was impressed we had it changed already.

You see daddy....I'ma be alright.

the joy and gain of food

2007-12-19T10:59:00.000-05:00

I keep forgetting my salad....
I hate when things spoil especially when it's' b/c i have a bad memory which just seems to get worse lately.

I went to the docs a couple of weeks ago and apparently I've gained like 15 pounds since i've moved here....15 freakin pounds. So i have to lose that after the new year
I want to look slim and trim again....but i love my food LOL

So to do this i figured i'd buy healthier snacks... Salads, alot more green leafy stuff in my diet which i don't really mind. I need vegetables, some cheese and crackers as a snack and fruit. This is the problem.... I KEEP FORGETTING THEM. So i have healthy stuff in the fridge going bad b/c I'm usually running late in the morning and don't have time to make something.

if i stay to make something i would have to drive to work which means $50 in gas 2-3 times a week and if i leave it means $4-$5 for Bkfst & $7-$8 for lunch...
i could just wake up early but that means me and Will Smith or Jay-z would have to interrupt our time and that ain't happening LOL

So what to do...

Christmas in NY

2007-12-16T09:39:00.000-05:00

So excited, in 6 short days i'll be home in NY with my mom and extended family to celebrate Christmas. I'll get to see everyone, that's what i'm most excited about. My aunt in Alabama and her family, my uncles and cousins. Normally i get so excited about Christmas but this year, even more so since I don't live there anymore. So I'm counting down the days.

I have a final tomorrow so today is about studying and tomorrow is about finishing that and then I'll be washing my clothes and packing for my trip!

Oh, by the way, this weekend was a co-worker weekend. Friday I went out with some co-workers for dinner which was good. I got to see a different part of them and get the office gossip :)
Then Saturday my other co-worker had a holiday party at her house. Beautifully decorated house, by the by, and great friends. I brought Jason along and we had a great time, he got toasted on all the liquor they had and I was mingling (yes I mingled) with funky people to get the scoop on where to shop for eclectic and different stuff.

Good weekend, Next weekend should be soooo much better.

Introducing PEANUT!!!

2007-12-12T12:21:00.000-05:00

My friend Liz is having a baby. This is Peanut at 12.5 weeks and she's waving. They're not sure she's a girl but i think so... so there ya go!

Jealousy...really?

2007-12-11T12:07:00.000-05:00

yes, i get jealous... unfortunately it has to do with my ex... or at least mostly.
but i can't stand not knowing if I'm the only one. I guess that's where trust comes in but that's something you earn. It doesn't help if the guy you're seeing doesn't give you enough cues like kissing you at the end of a date.

My 2 dates with Coach went well. yes, i can just be paranoid but i can't help it. I used to be with a guy who never hesitated to say what he felt or grab my hand, ass or whatever as an affectionate gesture. Now I'm dating and I have to 'read' the guy to see if he likes me 'in that way'.

So here are cues... i speak to him just about everyday. when he drove up from school to move his things he came straight to me and then went to see his family. We talked until the place shut down that night. We went out for his bday to the drive in, he initiated the move to get closer, hugging me through most of movie 1 and me hugging him through all of movie 2. when i needed help on my paper he sent me slides from presentations he did on the topic....

so is he being a nice guy, or does he like me, cause like i said before, great dates but NO KISS KISS. And when he hugged me....Dang that body is tight! LMAO. but when i looked at his blog, this chick writes comments on his blog.. ("oh you're so genuine...i wish more men were like you").. and she's in the city where he goes to school. Where he is right now....could she be another lady he's dating?

so am i being paranoid?
*and no, i didn't tell him about this blog...

role reversal

2007-11-25T22:47:00.000-05:00

Why is it that when you spell it out for the guy, they say they understand and they're fine with it. Certain situations are like a dream come true for them. NO games, just straight-talk, it is what it is and it's done.

until they become Bitches....

Whining, complaining little girls.... You see Fronts changed overnight. It's funny b/c he supposedly wants to be a rapper but he needs to be the backup dancer. I should save the texts and phone calls I got from him in case he ever makes it. Our 'relationship' was never a consistent one where we spoke every night or even every other night. But suddenly, he wants to know why I don't call and why didn't i see him when i said i 'might'.

see.... not a man.....a bitch, and totally unattractive.

a sign or a test

2007-11-21T16:21:00.000-05:00

In the past two days, i got called for two job interviews in NY. Now it's been almost a year since I've applied for jobs in NY so something is going on. Is it a sign... I'm not really feeling going back to NY.

Or is it a test? Would I give up my current path for money?
both jobs I would like, One was for event planning (DUH!) in a university (Double DUH) and the other was working in a pre-school with children.... (DANGNAMMIT). Where were these ppl when I was looking for a reason to stay in NY?

what do you think?

blahze

2007-11-20T10:57:00.000-05:00

Feeling a bit down lately.
Just Blahze
need a pick me up.... I should download some music, that always seems to work.

*sigh*

a different experience

2007-11-18T20:39:00.000-05:00

So i had an 'experience' with Fronts....
it was very different and not one that i enjoyed too much. A combination of his style (of which i did not approve of) and not being into it emotionally. Now casually it's something I can turn on and off, but at this point in my life, I don't really want to.

If he would have just stopped being affectionate, things would have gone smoother. But I just had to stop.... and get out of there.

Am I just too old for such 'experiences'? possibly. I want more, from someone who wants more from me... I want to be a friend with someone and have that experience, I don't want to just have an experience I want it to be special each time.

Doors are closing and opening all over the place

2007-11-16T20:27:00.000-05:00

A very tiring weekend closes out yet another chapter in my life. It's over...finally. I always want him to be around but i guess it can't be in the same capacity and I'm OK with that.

Last Saturday I emptied out my apt... and Sunday we said goodbye. It wasn't under the best of circumstances and it wasn't the kind of goodbye I wanted but it was goodbye.
Sunday was my friends wedding, a different experience but I was almost in tears seeing her walk down the aisle. She was so beautiful and happy. I had to miss the reception to catch a flight and get back home for work in the morning...

I'm working on my own now. This was my first week alone and I think i did pretty well. I know I messed up a couple of times but hopefully it won't be too drastic and I'll have some leeway.

and now the stuff you really want to hear about... the men stuff...
Right now, there are three prospects...
Coach, Fronts and Boss

Coach, I'm interested in for more than just the trivial. he's tall as heck so that will be a first but I don't know how he feels about me. he's always inviting me here and there, and most recently invited me to church with him to ring in the new years. His bday is in two weeks and i think i have an inexpensive gift idea that he would like. Basketball game tix. That way we can have fun, I've never been to a Bball game so that will be cool and it's a date, so i can get a feel of where he's at.

Fronts i met a while back.... real southern dude. A rapper of course but I'm not interested in him for more than.... 'chillin'. I can't figure out his game... if he wants more or not but i know that i don't, so hopefully he's cool with just being a buddy.

The Boss.... real serious dude. I haven't really gotten to know this one too much since I'm so busy lately. and my schedule is bad enough to deal with and me adding 3 guys into the mix. But he's interested in me, likes the chase (as any successful, serious mans man does) so I'm going to stay busy and let him chase...

I know some ppl may say that i need time to heal and i should just lay off guys at the moment, but i disagree. The more that comes out about my former love, the more I realize that i most likely would be grieving over something i thought was there but probably wasn't. A lot of lies for little things means lies for big things as well. and if there's one thing to know about me is that i hate liars.

So I'm cool for now, besides, I'm not the single, dating type of girl. I'm the, "it's winter and i want to snuggle up" type of Lady!

Why does he make it hard?

2007-11-08T21:45:00.000-05:00

why do people do the things they do?
why say you love someone when all you do is end up hurting them?
why make them cry?

I've been asking these questions so much lately, I'm tired of the record. In fact, I'm tired period. I barely have anything left to give anyone, but i will still try b/c not everyone is undeserving. but lately I realize that he is.... he is completely undeserving of my friendship, love or even my attention.
but it's like Ciara says in her song "i can't leave him alone". Not that i want to get back with him, but you don't share your life with someone only to take it back overnight. The bond is still there and probably always will be.

I just really want the best for him. I want him to grow up and be a man. I want him to realize he doesn't have to get over, to get somewhere and to trust himself. I want him to be ok, b/c i know at the end of the day, I will be.

I can't leave him alone

2007-11-04T19:06:00.000-05:00

This breakup just gets uglier and uglier to the point where I can't even recognize the people in the situation. So many others have come on board and gotten involved.....

Garette vs. me, my brother, my mother and now a very close friend shavonne. My big bro couldn't take watching me cry anymore and just held his mouth one last time. This time, i heard yelling in the backyard....He read Garette the riot act. He cursed him out the way my mom has been wanting to for months.

At first I tried to stop him, but I stopped myself. Garette needed to hear it but more importantly, I needed to hear it. It was nothing I didn't know for myself but when you love somebody.... it takes the world to crumble before you can give up on them. Although my world was crumbling... my family wanted to save me before it was unrecognizable anymore.

I know I've been too nice, but I don't know how to be anything else. I honestly don't want to be. I'm mean when i have to be, but with the people i love, i hate being mean to them, which is why i just get quiet.

The crazy, sick thing... after everything we've been through, and he's put me through..... I can't help but still love him.

The large friendly office

2007-11-01T10:40:00.000-04:00

So I'm at my new job as an Intake Coordinator for United Behavioral Health and I'm thinking... this can be cool. It's overwhelming with everything you have to learn. You're working on 5 different systems at one time while on the phone with someone and I'm training on the systems now but i guess I will get used to them once I observe and start taking calls.

This company is a real company. I've always worked for smaller firms and what's so funny is that first impression here is that people like where they work. It reminds me of Lupe's job, everyone is so friendly and happy and smiling and conversing with each other. My first day I was in conversations with people who saw a new face....that's great. Today I have an invitation to hang out with another co-worker (different dept) and her friends at her house anytime i want (not sexual dirty people). My benefits started Thursday and there are so many perks to the job I don't know where to start.

Discounts on my phone bill, new cars and mortgages, you even get perks for doing a good job. My classmate got a bonus for coming within her percentile range and you get bonuses for referring people who eventually got hired. And I'm not talking $50 bonuses, a nice couple of hundred. The Christmas party will be a black tie event....I'm so excited!

Also, now they want me to start taking calls while my mentor ghosts on them... I'm nervous, it's a lot to go over and you know i hate messing up. On a plus, I got an A- in my last class so I'm truly excited and happy. Now to go home and sleep...right after my coverage comes at this second job.

updating life

2007-10-27T04:40:00.000-04:00

I'm at work, doing my last overnight.... (i never want to be up this late unless I'm coming from a really great party) thinking, how boring this is. I have 2.25 hours until I'm outta here and I couldn't be happier.

Update I- I've been perusing online personal websites (not going to say which one(s)) just slowly getting myself back out there. I don't meet too many people with my schedule (that should change a bit with my new job)... and I don't like clubbing all that much. Either way, I'm not too sure how serious I would take someone I met in the club, just like I'm not too serious about online dating. More so b/c I've been there and done that and it's never really worked.

why am I doing it again? why not. I get to talk to guys from the ATL area, get to know what these guys are like and hopefully they'll put me on to some spots i could hit up. It's all about networking people.

Update II- I start my new job, or at least begin training for it on Monday. Fortunately for me it's a casual environment, so I don't have to buy alot of clothes. I will still work part time at Delta for a maximum of 15 hours a week. I won't keep that schedule (plus two nights of school) for long, especially if I want to be with someone, but for now, it's fine.

and that's basically it for now.

Mis-Management

2007-10-23T20:15:00.001-04:00

So I got a new job (pending drug screening and background check) but basically I got a new job WITH BENEFITS yayayayayayayyayayayay!! Intake Coordinator at United Health Group.

so here's the thing, I told the snotty manager here with no damn experience on how to manage a workplace, that i got a day job and will no longer be able to work the overnight shifts (Not that i care too much since this is day 4 of me not getting paid) and the heifa got an attitude. Of course any manager worth their paychecks would be disappointed to lose a valuable asset such as myself, however, I did not quit; i merely reduced and changed my hours.

I figured I would work two or three nights a week after work basically take over for the guy that quit and one day on the weekend. THIS HEIFA as payback maybe, put me to work on Friday, Saturday and Sunday, meaning I would work 7 days a week PLUS school. Oh you got to be kidding. You got to be off your rocker....crack is wack so why are you still smoking it hun!

So extra money or not.... looks like I'm about to tell Delta to take this job and .... well you know.
The worst part is that i really like my co-workers and that is a first. I get along with all of them, and everyone at Delta but this manager is a dumbass and I have no benefits. Hopefully the staff at UHG will be just as friendly and fun.

The end of what was...begnning of what will be

2007-10-15T13:44:00.000-04:00

I guess i have alot of explaining to do...

so much has happened and it seemed if i didn't write it down i could avoid feeling it for that much longer but i can't put it off anymore. Garette and I broke up... No one cheated or anything like that, it was an argument that was way blown out of proportion, but because of it, we are no longer together.

I think the stress of being apart, not fully trying to understand each other and him being a buggart just got to be too much and that was all she wrote. It's been hard to deal with especially knowing the path we were on and reading the past blogs i've written. I did and i do still love him and we talk often on the phone but we will not be getting back together....

So this lady is single again after almost two years, in a new city and beginning to get used to the idea of dating again. This should make for some good stories!

dreamin'

2007-08-18T18:35:00.001-04:00

my dreams have always been weird but since i've been in Atl, they've become weirder. i've dreamed about alot of people from my past, having a high school reunion or a romantic relationship with someone i probably haven't spoken to in months or years.

Last night, it was a who's who in my life. it took place in what was supposed to be my aunts basement. All of my friends, plus old friends, old crushes, and exes were there. wer were having a party and ordered liquor (no food i can remember, just liquor). An old crush i called teddy bear gave me a stack ($1000) to buy liquor with and of course Garette being jealous matched this, so we had more than enough liquor to go around. Garette was there and apparently we were still living together but I was now with his friend (which wouldn't happen cause his friend is too small for me). it was just weird seeing everyone there (most dont get along with each other) in one place... maybe i'm missing home.

I'll be home soon

not so fairy tale-ish

2007-08-11T20:54:00.000-04:00

You ever felt ready for something but the timing was off? I'm ready for so much but it's not the right time. Biologically speaking, i'm not hearing any ticking clocks but I can feel it. I feel like i'm missing something on my left hand. I wear my ring on my right middle finger but so often i feel like there's a ring on my left hand and i took it off or something...its a weird feeling especially since i never wear rings on my left...actually i did once....

My ex and I (a good ex, not an asshole) got into a conversation about why women fantasize in relationships or have this fairy tale perception of relationships and i have to admit, throughout my relationship with him, that was a big reason for fights... I imagined what the relationship should be. What he should do (attributed to watching too much tv) when we argue, things he should say. I thought relationships were supposed to be romantic all the time....boy was i wrong. i looked for the overt romantic gestures instead of realizing the things he did everyday that were just because he loved me.

I wore a ring with my ex, on my left ring finger b/c we were "so in love". I told him it was b/c i was tired of getting hit on by men, so this would drive them off...but i knew what i wanted and it was too much pressure on him. this time i feel the pressure on myself and there's no way i want to transfer it to Garette. Everyone asks the "when are you guys getting married" question and i feel funny about it. Why ask if i don't have a ring on my finger? A ring is an indicator and obviously i don't have one so leave it alone.

I guess whoever he is currently with has that romantic/fairy tale bug and I've finally realized what it's truly about. Romantic gestures are nice , too many would freak me out, but i know when Garette cooks, it's because he knows I'm tired and hungry, when he sees me tossing and turning, he turns down the volume of the television, or he doesn't work in his computer programs late at night b/c the noises would wake me up. It's the compromise or the little gestures that you need to be clued into.

I do feel ready for that step... more than ready, but it's not the right time....

sucks.

to be or not to be with AC

2007-08-08T14:20:00.000-04:00

When i bought the car, the A/C was broken... of course the seller gave the impression that it was just the a/c compressor, not too hard to fix. I've been without air conditioning in the car for about a month now, and i was good until 90+ degree weather hit feeling more like 112. I can't stand it anymore, so I take the car for an estimate....

and wait three hours.... I knew an Infiniti would have a heavy cost associated with it, but who the hell knew it would be $1400 to fix the a/c system? Not I said the cat.

I don't have $1400. I don't even have $400. This is a disaster. I'm really thinking of taking the train today, although I don't think i would enjoy waiting for the bus at school just to get back to the train station after class is over. that was not fun the last time and i ended up walking with no bus in sight.

so, should i take off at 4:30 and take the train, or do 80 on the highway to catch the warm air through the car just so i don't have any crazies asking me to buy bootlegs? decisions decisions...

Simpsonize yourself

2007-08-02T14:58:00.000-04:00

That's me as a Simpsons character. I think I'm cute as a cartoon LOL. I've been meaning to do this for a while but only now got around to it.

see how you look as a cartoon.

anyway...off to get info on my research paper.

They're biting

2007-07-28T21:15:00.000-04:00

The worst part about living down south....the bugs are horrendous... i also live in the country so to speak. I bet the bugs wouldn't be so present in the city but if i wanted to live the city life, i'd move back home. Here, you can go outside for just a couple of minutes and end up with enough mosquito bites to play connect the dots.

I had to have Garette run off a huge water bug and then while driving one crawled across the front of my car. if anyone knows me, they would know that i would pull a car over if that damn thing got into the car.

One more thing, when it rains in NY, it rains all day, nothing too serious... in Georgia, while driving home from school, it was a variable rain storm so bad i had to pull off the road b/c i couldn't see two feet in front of me. the amazing thing is watching how fast people still drive in the middle of all that. and fifteen minutes later and 9 miles down the road, it's as dry as an Arizona desert.

that's my life right now, bugs, sparatic rain and alot of itching.

blast from the past

2007-07-24T14:32:00.000-04:00

my ex called....the one i thought could be the one.

a little background... a couple of years ago, my co-worker asked me and a friend of mine, what it was we wanted in a guy. I stated quite a bit of qualities, both physical characteristics as well as mental and spiritual. basically i wanted a man's man, physically built with some baby fat (i'm a bit of a chubby chaser), a man who took charge. A couple of days later, i met Randy, everything that was on my list. We met at my favorite pool hall and he worked right next door in my favorite dress shop and we never crossed paths until that night. I guess all of the co-incidences led to what seemed like a destined romance...however four months into the relationship be began to withdraw with the classic line "I'm going through something" however, he never told me what it was he was going through. After a couple of weeks i got tired of waiting around for him to feel better, so i broke it off.

We kept dating or at least having a physical relationship afterwards for a couple of months. One day i worked up the nerve to ask him to escort me to a wedding of an old friend of mine (my ex was the best man so i had to look good) and he told me he couldn't b/c he was with someone and it wouldn't be appropriate. I said ok and asked about his girl and then the world stopped when he told me, "she's my wife". I was heavy into weddings at the time, i just wanted to meet someone, get married and start a family and since he wanted the same thing i thought we were on the way so for us to break it off and he got married to someone else within a month, not only hurt, it felt like someone stabbed me over and over again until i just had to hang up the phone.

Over the next year he called sparatically asking about my relationship, my life etc... i always asked him why call? we were ex's, your wife wouldn't appreciate this etc etc. he would brag about his wife (which all seemed like lies). Finally, while on vacation in March 2006, he called from in front of my house (thank GOD i wasn't there) I told him i was engaged so he would back off, instead he told me he was buying a two family house and why don't my fiance and i rent out the bottom apt. I finally told him in no uncertain words, leave me alone, go home to your pregnant wife and let me live my life without interruption.

SO it's been over a year and i haven't even thought about him. I've been happy, I've moved twice and I've changed jobs twice and gone back to school. I'm happy doing what i have to do...so of course, it's time for him to call. While i was at work on a particularly busy night, i answered my ringing phone thinking it was my friend calling me back...instead a male voice answered asking if i recognized him... after yelling at whoever it was on the phone he said his name...and the world paused again, this time from annoying shock. WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM MY LIFE?

i called him back after work, which was pretty late. he asked only about me, and i got the sense of something under his voice. so i asked him "hows married life?" apparently it wasn't everything he thought it would be, his kid was 13 months... i smell divorce in his future but i didn't say that out loud. he asked if i was happy.... and i was all too happy to say yes. I may be away from Garette, but i love him, living with him (very much like married life) seemed to have the opposite effect from Randy's situation. the best part.... I felt nothing. he didn't make me happy, make me wonder what it would have been like, nothing. he is nothing to me and that's great.

incidentally i also heard from two other ex's the same night....

i had a plan

2007-07-23T14:17:00.001-04:00

i had a plan to go to the library all day, study until 6 then take my midterm, ace it and come home to my baby to celebrate (if you know what i mean...ma, i mean by eating ;)). things are not going according to plan.

Not realizing his id expired on his bday, Garette couldn't make the train. Compounding matters was the fact that someone at his friends house where he was staying in NC, stole his money out of his bag. Not cool. So i have to wait yet another day so he can take the bus, b/c Greyhound is totally anonymous. Meaning I could probably still celebrate in the wee hours of the AM.

Then, my prescription which was left in NY, CVS has to now fill for me which will be expensive since i'm not on insurance and unlike NY which takes about 20 min or less to fill it, they need an hour so i won't be leaving the house for another hour to study in the library AND depending on traffic, it can take me 40-60 minutes to get up to school. (i do love the fact that it takes me only 10 minutes to get to work...BIG change from NY)

Am i worried? not really, i take information in pretty well and i read fast. Plus my professor is so kind as to summarize everything on powerpoint slides when he's lecturing in class and prints out copies for us all to have.... that wonderful man!

So wish me luck... i don't know what it is but i'm never ever able to study at home.

coming off the midnight high

2007-07-21T13:30:00.000-04:00

i just worked my first overnight...and they put me to work by myself. I thought i would have had someone to bug out with and keep me company, instead i was all by my lonesome messing up stuff (was fixed eventually) and trying my best not to drop to sleep in the middle of 'mission control center'. 11pm to 7am is not whats it cracked up to be and I'm going to need allot more snacks to be able to handle it all. but i did handle it and by quarter to 8 i was headed home, head nodding to fantasia on the radio.

but now it's 1:34 and i haven't been able to sleep much since i got home although the bags under my eyes say i really need to. Sunday i have an 11pm-3am shift which should be a little better. Just have to get enough mommi time in today since she's leaving tomorrow afternoon...

side not: can you believe I'm paying more in insurance down here than i was in NY? I-effing-ronic!

atl update

2007-07-14T22:30:00.000-04:00

everyone wants to know how i'm doing so let me tell you
I've got a job as you may have read in previous posts, Crew Accommodations for Delta Airlines. It's part time to give me the flexibility with school and getting back into the swing of things. I'm in training right now so i'm getting used to coding and scheduling etc. that's all i can say about that due to confidentiality policies.

I bought a car... i needed an automatic to get around b/c using my brothers Porsche, as much as it makes me look glamorous, is not practical. It was cool though but all his other cars were stick shift and i don't know how to drive those. Now i have an Infinity Q45. it needs minor work but it's mine and i'm thrilled.

and i now i have a pup... he'll probably be my brothers puppy since he follows Vita and Vita follows Jason. His name is Nero and right now he spends alot of time in the cage since he gets too excited and has little accidents. He looks just like Vita, grey with lighter eyes and white patches...

So that's it for now...company's here, gotta be personable.

I did get it

2007-07-06T23:03:00.000-04:00

So I did get the job and i start training on Sunday. Go me, go me... 2-3 weeks and now i got a job.

I think i did, i think i did

2007-07-06T10:45:00.000-04:00

So i think i got a job LOL... not quite sure.
I went on an interview yesterday, my second in Atlanta. Responses haven't been good, in fact, they haven't been at all. My resume is of course perfect for a administrative professional, but that's not what I'm looking for. Customer Service, Non-profit and Day care are all the fields I'm looking for, but since I don't have the experience, I'm not ideal.

This position must not have had a lot of responses... because they called me. It's a third shift position 7pm - 3am, or 11pm - 7am. Hospitality company making crew reservations and reservations for distressed passengers. They called me back the same day to ask me to come in Friday night for two hours to see how it goes and if i would want the job. Then the lady said "I won't be here Friday, but I'll see you Monday". So i guess I got the job.

It's part-time, so I'll be able to have the flexibility i need for school and they'll also be flexible for me going home for long weekends and what not.
ehhh, we'll see how i like it tonight. I would have to get adjusted to the nightlife. I love sleeping at night. I don't mind the 7-3, it's the 11-7 that will kill me.

Money where art thou

2007-07-02T09:53:00.000-04:00

You know the worst part about looking for a job... You work all day, stare at a computer or newspaper circling prospects, sending out resumes, filling out forms (which incidentally they can just look at your damn resume and figure out lazy ass ppl) and you get tired like you would any normal job... you just don't get paid.

Gosh i miss regular income. It's only been a few weeks (2 weeks to be exact) but i'm broke. Moving costs a lot of money of which i have none. My vacation pay which was supposed to be put into my account on Saturday with everyone else's payroll was NOT, prompting me to send a sarcastic email (can't get ignorant when someone else is controlling the flow of your funds) to the COO and founder of my last job. Simple consideration would have dictated paying out the vacation pay on the last day like any other normal job. Intelligence would have done it when they said they would (June 30th payroll) but stupidness says "Uh we forgot"... I hate stupid people. Ignorance you can fix with knowledge, stupidness...there is no cure for.

My financial aid has been disbursed to my school however, my school has not yet applied it to my account so they can send the remainder to me.... how thoughtful. My car insurance was due yesterday, my other accounts are coming due soon and i still have NO JOB.

other than that i'm fine :)

long distance hugs

2007-06-27T18:21:00.000-04:00

I tossed and turned.... so did he.
This living apart thing is not easy. it's only been a couple of days but it's hard when you're accustomed to the same person every day and night. I wondered if it's co-dependency... but I don't think that's it.

I've kept busy in the beginning, painting my room, sponging one wall, driving here and there. Kept myself so busy i was tired and ready to fall asleep every night... until Tuesday night. Being in the house alone, emptying more boxes, reality slapped me in the face and i broke down crying. I would be coming home at this time, getting off the train and walking to my apartment only to be greeted by cooked food a kiss and a teddy bear when i wanted to cuddle.

sleeping is hard, thinking is harder and hearing his voice so far away is the hardest. hearing how sad he feels is extremely difficult. wanting to hug him and knowing i can't hurts like hell, so i give him long distance kisses and non-transferable promises to suffice until we see each other again.

such is sacrifice.

my cup runneth over

2007-06-21T22:02:00.000-04:00

it's been a while, but it's been busy.
Last week, I had lunch with my execs, dinner with co-workers and a surprise party from my office. It was quite an event i must say. I have never felt so much a part of the company as i did that day. Not to mention they quickly hired someone to replace me that for the day i trained her, seemed to be an idiot. But that is no longer my problem.

Listening to the founder make a short speech about my time in the company (14.5 months) and how valuable i was, i tried my best to keep it together. Nonetheless, i cried. My first real cry about moving and it happened in front of everyone (mostly everyone) in my office. I couldn't' believe i would have such emotions but there they were. I even got gifts. How cool. After work, i took my new school bag and items given to me and went for drinks with more co-workers. I felt like they were friends. I hadn't felt that way the whole time i worked there....such a same. I almost didn't want to say goodbye...

The next night was my going away party. I'll skip the drama inflicted on me by a careless, lying promoter and skip to the good parts.... I got so dang drunk part of the night comes in flashes. Marking my night, the only ppl that truly showed were my closest friends (even those that attempted to and couldn't, even the ppl that called afterwards i appreciated) and an old friend. Mo and her husband showed first, I've known both of them since elementary and jr. high and it was special to see them there.... the best part, knowing once Mo is a friend, she is always a friend. She was one of the girls trying to hoist me off of the toilet in the club and slapping me in the face to keep me conscious outside of the club.

Garette, it meant so much to have him there. I know his issues with my friends, he knows they don't really like him, rather me be without him and that's why he stays away from them. He was my post, he kept me up as much as he could and took care of me all night and all day following as he always does. I started crying when Loi hugged me in the club and ran to cry on Garette's shoulder.... i don't know how I'm going to be apart from him... but i know i will be with him always.

The girls and the boys... my group of familia made sure i went out with a bang. Fireworks and all, i couldn't have imagined a night like that.... I don't want to get that drunk again but we can get close :)

The movers took everything i needed Wednesday and its the night before my flight. Garette held me for an hour while i cried. Being apart from my Mom will be incredibly hard, from my friends too, but most of all from Garette. I've never been this much in love with anyone. No one has taken as much care of me as he has, put me first, looked out for me as much as he has. he calls when it looks like rain to make sure i have an umbrella, make sure i ate, makes sure when i toss and turn in the middle of the night that I'm ok. All the little things mean so much to me, tomorrow is not guaranteed, but i thank GOD that he was brought to me when he was and I hope this is not where the chapter ends but part two in the series begins.

I love you baby

She, He and ME

2007-06-13T09:20:00.000-04:00

As the train rocked forward it caught my eye. He kept looking up at me as I stood over Them reading my book. They couldn't see me but inside I was laughing so hard. She was into her music, I into my story and He stealing glances....just then....and again. It wasn't until he looked again up and down that she looked too.....Up....and down.....and up again...just her eyes. And I glanced at her.

I figured in my final days I could look like a girl. I could wear a dress, a dress that fell all too well on my figure. A dress that's unforgiving to the unpleasant, and enhances what'cha mama gave ya. A low cut little diddy that had Garette looking at me with the same eye he gave me. "Where are you going?".... Just to dinner afterwork babe, then you can take it off :)

Judging by their reactions, the dress was hot and She proceeded to whisper something in his ear...."the girl in front of us....." was all i could hear....then his eyes again...up and down. Her head motioned towards me, and she kept talking about me.... and I just watched them. I wanted to say "be easy, I have my own at home" but I let her do what she needed to to stay secure.

She held his hand tighter, two pairs of eyes glanced one more time, then she kept talking so he only looked at her.

finale or a new beginning?

2007-06-11T10:11:00.000-04:00

watching the Sopranos series finale I was conflicted. Many people I heard did not like the ending....i thought it was great. It was like ending it without really ending it.

***episode spoilers ahead... do not read if you have it Tivo'd***

To put it in perspective, i will have you recall the episode in Episode 80 Season 6 (current and final season) where the feds discover a body which was buried 25 years ago by Tony and the ever talkative Paulie. In letting Carmela know he had to skedaddle for a short while, she says "It's just, this is what life is still like, at our age?"

That is what the final episode was...the answer to that question. there could be no more final end for Phil and Justice was due. No offense, but that shit was awesome. Janice is back to her manipulative ways again, trying to keep Bobby's kids so she won't be alone and also, so they won't leave with what's theirs. In the final scene, everyone is shifty. Tony keeps watching the door as person after person walks in, waiting for his family to come in one by one. Always looking over your shoulder, living in peace in between tumultuous times. and as Meadow finally walks in...........it's over. No fade to black, no nice family moment.........just darkness and just like that, the Sopranos came to a finale. they left you wanting more and left your imagination running with the script.

nice job.

what about your fam?

2007-06-06T09:17:00.000-04:00

I thought what was messed up was when my cousins planned to travel and get together amongst themselves leaving me out of the picture. I thought it was even more messed up when one proceeded to tell me all about their plans and what fun they would have, all the cousins together... but it doesn't compare to calling and asking me about where I stayed the last time I was there and if I had any suggestions for them....

and still, not once did anyone say "would you like to come?" although at this point it might result in a click of the phone or a slap to the face. Either way, it would be as much as they're giving me right now.

The Interview

2007-06-05T12:19:00.000-04:00

Was not worth $209 ... it was barely 30 minutes and at the end i was left feeling well, less than orgasmic. It was like being with a man who lied about the size of his....him.

It took an hour to get there (mapquest, yahoo maps, msn maps..they're all crap). Driving in the HOV lane definitely has it's benefits however, being that i would have to drive by myself, I was NOT liking the traffic situation. coming from the South side to the north presented its problems awfully quickly (more like at a snails pace up the 75).

My interviewer Dave sat me down right away, prepped me for a minute and then the Operations manager came in with the girl who is currently in the position, Sarah. Tip #1, always look at the people who are interviewing you... if they can't dress up for you, or even do their eyebrows, it's not a positive sign. I wanted to crawl across the conference table with a pair of tweezers and have at it.

After the basic rundown of her day/week (which is basically, same thing every day... no change, monotony to it's best) she left and it was me and Susie. Nice lady, laugh laugh laugh, talk talk talk, relate some and it was over.... Waaaat...

What i was more pissed about however, was that the mall a hop skip and jump away, wasn't open yet and NO WHERE showed signs of food. Geez. So i hopped on a train went to the airport where big bruddah picked me up. yes, there are trains in Atlanta. Pretty easy too, North to South and East to West.

So that was that. the Big interview... Sucked. I wouldn't take it if they offered it to me anyway. Why leave a NY job to go to the same NY job. I need something different. This time, I pledge to take the opportunity to be picky. So i guess i did get something out of this trip.... now i know what to say Hell Noo to.

my expansion

2007-06-01T15:08:00.000-04:00

I'm off to Atlanta this weekend... it's going to be hot!

In changing over my winter clothes to summer, I realized that like most people I've gained weight. Not that its all bad, but still, my clothes from last summer won't fit the same.at least i get to shop for new ones.

So off to Conway I went with a little bit of money for some cheap shirts... they never have what I want when i have the money to get it... I hate that, but either way, you can find some good stuff when you really look through the clutter. And don't forget, elbows up, you saw it first.

but i digress, the child in me, never got passed "the new". Every time my mom brought home new clothes, i had to try them on ASAP. So when i find myself in the bathroom at work trying on my new dudes, i can't help but laugh... I'm so damn corny.

well, at least I'll be able to exchange what doesn't fit after work.

jetsetter

2007-05-30T15:59:00.000-04:00

Surreal moment #151

It is happening. Lady, you are moving and going to school and getting a job in another part of the country. It is happening.

nothing to snap you into what you try to avoid feeling like a job interview. So today I get an email, simple and plain... "Saw your resume, want to speak with you about an opportunity." Sounds simple enough, Kinda looks like spam but why don't I check it out. So I email them back, attach my full resume (why do they ask for your resume when they've already seen it), and schedule a call for today.

Silly me to think its a simple call, no it's a first step for the interview (i'm waaaay to laid back lately). He's asking questions, I answer, talk talk talk, charm charm charm and he's sending my resume to his operations manager for further consult. Can you come down for a formal interview? sure, no prob, i'll be there soon anyway.

He calls back 45 minutes later asking to see me this Monday June 4th at 9am. "can you be here by then".... geez. and so it sets in...

I'm moving (deep breath)
I'm looking for another job (deep breath)
I'm going to school (deeeeeper breath)

I'm freaking out

rage against the man

2007-05-24T09:36:00.000-04:00

Why do we rejoice when a company loses? We want to see it go down...
We being the common (wo)man...the ones who receive a paycheck instead of signing them. We like to see "the man" get taken down a peg or two. "Good for them" we exclaim as slowly but surely they become a shell of their former glorious selves. "they should have done this", "they shouldn't have done that" we say in matter-of-fact tones, but aren't we all striving to be "the man".

Or maybe it's just where i work.

This rage-against-the-machine moment has been brought to you by the employees of TS otherwise known as my soon-to-be former co-workers. When a person quits/resigns, it serves as inspiration, a kick in the pants to say, this is not the end of the road. It seems my leaving in conjunction with management being ASS-hoooooooles (see Meet the Fockers) was enough to have a handful of people relay their wishes to get the hell outta this place.

I mean really, it's a small company, there's not much room to move up unless you're sleeping with one of management and there's only one single guy there (or is he? ;) ). So basically you're just here to put in a paycheck for the rest of your lives. Oh the fun. But then again I still have yet to work in a place that i really like...environment and all, but that's why I'm going back to school....

what are you going to do? Rage ON!

one pregnancy-free day

2007-05-22T16:30:00.000-04:00

this may sound incredibly evil and awful of me to say...but i will.

I have a friend that is pregnant. In her first pregnancy last year, she lost the baby. I don't know from experience and hope to never know what it's like to lose a baby but it must be excruciating. She is now preggers again... about 16 weeks. Here comes the bad part...

If she doesn't shut up for one damn day about this pregnancy i will be forced to chuck her from my friends list. Every day...two or three posts...no normal convo's....just about her being pregnant with stubby (although that name is hella cute).

Im not evil and i've had plenty of friends who were pregnant but they weren't this annoying. geez She has pages on those baby sites (babycenter.com) where she can converse with other preggers and show off her belly etc.... leave me alone dammit.

what's my thing

2007-05-22T14:19:00.000-04:00

i've been inspired... to do what i'm not really sure.

I found this wonderful blog, Ismoyo's Playground where Ismoyo got a sewing machine from her parents and began sewing things together. little projects like making two shirts into a dress (tre cool) to little purses, to little animals... and i'm so jealous.

Everyone has their 'thing'. Mike is into anything that will make him money and right now that means going back to school, while buying a house and being a landlord. Loi has her painting, Lupe has her new house, decorating it and being creative painting it, plus she's a gym freak. Even Garette has his music (Downloading, makig playlists/CDs) but alas, I have no 'thing'.

I hate having stuff and doing things that other people have/do. i like orignality but I'm seriously thinking of taking my mom's sewing machine with me to occupy my time (she has three). I mean shoot, maybe sleeves will actually fit me now.

I made my curtains at home (time for me to make more i might add) so i think i can move on and start with some easy patterns. We shall see. I'm hopeful, but I also have the attention span of cat...

one more day

2007-05-17T16:08:00.000-04:00

Im so bored and this little thing is bringing so much joy right now.

and so it begins

2007-05-16T15:29:00.000-04:00

Handing in your resignation from a job you can barely stand is one of the most freeing, take a bow you've earned it baby, kiss my ass experiences you can have in your life. Slamming it down like you're playing dominoes with abuelita and her over 70's crew is just the low-fat, no guilt icing with sprinkles.

I'm done, I'm actually almost outta here. A bit formal for a small company but still I want to keep my skills in tact before I leave and take all the laziness with me. In a month (a bit less), June 15 will be my last day at TS. I've been hearing alot of the "what are we going to do without you" bits, but I'm pretty sure, within a week, I'll just be "that tall girl that used to put up with Frazzle Dazzle".

Either way, I'm super excited about starting school and starting everything over again. My hand is firmly resting above my 'reset' button and I'm just waiting to slam it down.

the gift of gay

2007-05-11T10:45:00.000-04:00

I'm sitting there watching an episode of 'According to Jim' as the wife Cheryl tries to get her husband Jim to go to a musical with her since her sister just had a baby. Jim quickly informs her that she needs a male gay friend that can do this stuff with her, cause he ain't gonna.

and that's when it happened... my mom turned to me and said "I want a gay friend"

of all the things she could have said she wanted, especially with mothers day coming up, a gay friend.... more specifically "not one that's out and out... more so with one foot in and one foot out the closet" LMAO, my typical 'Republican Gay' male. Not flaming, but is what he is without all the fanfare... Mike and D, my gays, are too young for her she said, one her own age.

the more i think of it, the more she's right. Most of her friends either moved away or are so involved with other things, she's basically alone. She barely goes out unless it's with me on the weekends. I hate to move to ATL and leave her for so long only coming up once a month. Yes, she needs a gay, but where oh where do i find one her age? it's hard enough for women my age to find straight men.

So, are there any applications open for a fag hag/flame dame/fruit fly?

surprises

2007-05-10T16:15:00.000-04:00

so everything about my birthday activities...either the day of or Saturday the 12th are a mystery to me. My good friends planned it all and all i have to do is show up looking cute. Sounds fun to me... I love being spoiled.

except, the more it comes down to Saturday the more I gotta know...is what i'm planning to wear appropriate? Do i need my flats to get down afterwards? I wanna get down.... i want to dance and be cute... Its my week and next week is Jennie's.

birthday wishes and caviar dreams

2007-05-07T10:06:00.000-04:00

Today is my bday.... 27 years on this earth and still feeling lost. The day begins normally, with me being late since i told them i'd work 8-5 instead of 9-6 today. I ended up arriving about 8:30 but who cares... i'm still leaving early. It's my birthday.

I don't need to do anything special since I would rather get my gift to myself but that will have to wait yet another week. I promise you, when I can devulge the bday secret, I will, but not until I have it for sure... I hate jinxing things.

I've been on the phone all night with Birthday wishes and shooting the breeze and texting all morning with other folks and listening to birthday songs.... LOL i hate singing happy birthday in a group, but friends and family singing loudly on the phone always seems to work for me.

The plus is that frazzle dazzle is out of the office this week and his wife is being induced into labor as I write this... Leave it to Frazzle to take my bday shine away.

As for bday wishes... see below. I noticed that some of my bday wishes are coming true,especially the one about Paris Hilton. Long live the justice system huh!

UPDATE: Actually i've hardly been at my desk today. With Lupe stopping by to take me for Bday coffee, then My co-workers took me to lunch, My Boss will surprise me with brownies and ice cream in a minute (they are horrible at surprises which is why i know about it), and i leave at 5 for more bday treats... I'm loving today!

and Frazzle Dazzle's baby just took my shine. Not only because it was born, but because it was supposed to be a girl and it came out a BOY. So all hail miracle baby

- External CD/DVD Burner*
- AFLAC insurance
- silicone 10 piece baking set
- peace on earth
- New Monopoly game (Here & Now)
- That new Wii game so I can beat myself up and get sent to the hospital like everyone else and I can have days off from work.
- lot's and lots of cute shirts *
- A Shoe Room
- Jay-z (not the CD, not the poster, the man w/o the B)
- Brown and Black leather belts.
- a Karaoke machine
- Goodwill towards women (I already have goodwill towards men! LOL)
- $$$$$
- a niece or nephew (ahem)
- Isaiah Thomas fired from the Knicks
- Mosaic Tiles for art projects
- Nicole Ritchie to eat something
- My own television show so i can tell people off when they make me mad
- Money, alot of money
- Britney Spears to cover herself up... you're someone's mama
- To take over for the drunk Miss America
- a trainer
- Some lunch, I'm hungry right now
- a Bedroom
- nap time at work
- Boots, lots and lots of Boots
- Febreeze for the stinky people on the train
- Ban Paris Hilton from America
- a one day pass to slap all stupid ppl who try to talk to me.
- a PSP
- a decorator to help me with my apt
- someone to pack my stuff for me
- the flu shot (just because you never know)
- get my tonsils taken out
- a new car, like new new, factory new, 0 miles
- equality
- warm Dutch apple pie with milk
- an energy drink...
- an assistant at work
- My boss to get fired
- Have Bobby Brown tested….for everything
- some more money
- a good financial aid package
- The Gov't to pay for school
- Shoes
- A suga daddy to pay for school
- a pair of ruby shoes so when I'm somewhere I don't want to be I can click them and be home
- Barack Obama and Hilary Clinton on the same ticket... Our first woman president and a black man as vice president. Bigots and Racists will dop dead or have heart attacks throughout the US forcing a national heathcare plan LOL
- Did I mention a new car?
- A good job, and if possible, a good experience at a job
- A sock with stuff in it so I can hit people over the head and say "Julie don't play dat"
- a really big Clock (not attached to the flava fool)
- people to mind their business
- people to tell me stuff so I can gossip about their business
- a new "F*ck off" t-shirt
- a new dirty pool hall place
- Oprah to admit she's not down with the people
- Michael Jackson to admit those ain't his kids
- the men with 'hats' (wink wink) to stop being A-holes in my neighborhood
- to see someone fart with a lighter down there and it shoot off like a flamethrower heehee
- for people to write in their blogs on a consistent basis… I mean really, what else do I read at work?
- a vacation with my feet in the sand
- handbags
- to be the one to tell Eddie Murphy… "you ARE the father"
- to watch white people in hip hop dance classes
- Money just because
- to tell a story without being rudely interrupted…. (ahem)
- a house
- a cooking class
- for my mom to move with me
- for my grandparents to move with me...where else will I get cou cou
- to turn back time
- learn how to hypnotize people and have them running around like farm animals
- to meet bruh man from the fif floor
- Kick Sanjaya OFF American idol (i wrote this a couple of weeks ago)
- for the courts to make an example out of Paris Hilton and not Brandy
- people to stop using the N word
- ohhh, those food saver contraptions
- George Bush to resign
- Cheney to get lost in Afghanistan
- and i guess our troops to come home...

random stuff from a bored employee

2007-04-27T15:46:00.000-04:00

I'm eating yogurt at my desk with a fork.... mostly because these f-ers at work failed to let me know we were out of spoons, and knives...but we have a shitload of forks.

My friends sent an email regarding my bday to other friends.... activity, date and time.... I only knew the date.... i found out the time... now to find out the activity. I know i told them to plan it but I'm nosey...it's a case of the little sister. What's even better... My cousin is going to do my hair for $25...yayay.

Then... I got 4 tickets for a Friday Night party boat cruise around NY the Friday before they take me out... But i might give those away for tickets to see Sanchez and Tony Curtis at BBKings on the 11th. Looks like my Bday weekend will be something to remember, if i don't drink too much.

I MIGHT take off my bday, we'll see how things go but if i don't, then I'm taking off May 11th. either way, there's a three day weekend to be had.

no more random thoughts... i'm off to read gossip for the next hour and a half

Changes i been going through

2007-04-26T12:17:00.000-04:00

So much is changing and so fast... Previously we gave ourselves time to adjust, now it seems as if we have to speed up time. I can no longer wait for things to happen... for happiness to come. As much as you want to let things just roll off your back, they won't because you're still here and still being affected.

It feels as though my life is on hold listening to easy music as I wait for someone, somewhere to give me an answer so I can proceed. Well since that annoys me so damn much, i've made my decision to leave in June. I cannot sit at this desk much longer, I cannot wait for Clark Atlanta to run their office with efficency. I need to leave and I need to go soon. I can't wait for a change to come, I need to make it.

I make the decision on when to start my life and that is now.

with that said... help me sell my furniture... :(

Hip Hop: an attack on Bullshit

2007-04-19T08:56:00.000-04:00

I am so damn sick of it... Let's now attack hip hop because Damn Imus said "nappy headed hoes"... well guess what? he was wrong, but he should NOT have been fired for it. He's a damn shock jock for pete's sake and he did just that...shocked the crap out of everyone and left their jaws scraping the floor. he's misogynistic and that's his problem, you don't like him, turn him off HOWEVER, the first amendment right has to be protected otherwise we might as well start adopting the policies of the countries we're so comfortable invading.

Back to the attack on hip hop.... cut this shit out. Now i don't agree with rappers calling women bitches and hoes...but hey, i call women bitches and hoes. I am not a bitch (never have been, never will be), i can be bitchy but I'm not a bitch and as for being a Hoe... you damn sure ain't talking to me. But guess what.... they exist. Hoes are out there, they've always been; so when 50 cent or anyone else for that matter says, "this hoe is jockin me", i know he's talking about them, not me.

showing Here's my thing, Rock n' Roll depicted half naked women first with all the bleached blond hair and neon bikinis. Hip hop started with depicting their current life conditions with notable NWACompton for what it was to an audience who never saw it. After Hip hop began gaining notoriety, they included the half naked women, they used women as tools in their videos and exploited them. They did the same thing as Rock n' Roll artists only, hip hop made it popular. But here's the clincher... THOSE WOMEN EXPLOITED THEMSELVES. Be it for 15 minutes of fame, money, lifestyle, these women put themselves in the position to be used in videos and depicted as whores. When the hoes stop coming after the artists with money and fame, then the artists can't talk about them anymore.... Fix the hoes

As to the effect on kids.... it's called PARENTING. I for one, was not allowed to go to kids houses where my mom did not know the parents, and most of the kids houses i was allowed to go to their parents were as strict as mine on what we were allowed to watch. Cable and satellite are equipped with channel blockers so you can monitor what your kids view. Shoot, use them it's part of your service package. As for the radio, it's time to have open dialogue with your kids. Children are a lot smarter nowadays and comprehend faster than ever before. You can discuss with your kids once you start hearing them repeating the lyrics of these songs, what they mean, what is acceptable and what is not. You know how i learned not to curse... Once while singing a song, i cursed (in the lyrics) and my mother slapped me over the head and said "don't ever let me hear you say something like that again"... I STILL don't curse in front of her.

Hip hop is not the enemy, I refuse to let people make an example out of it like they did to Damn Imus. I agree, there needs to be a change and accountability, but first hold yourselves accountable for your part in it.

I, Lady from the Blogspot, agree to do my best to stop calling women Bitches. It will not happen overnight, but a change will come.

I can never stop calling certain women AND men hoes b/c that person may actually be one. Oh yea, as for the Spelman women on the Oprah show, so enraged by all of this... Don't let me catch any one of you in the club in ATL bumping and grinding, dropping it like its hot or leaning and rocking with it in the club after you so blasted hip hop. You'd better line-dance your way down Peachtree street.

I had more to say but since I'm at work, i kept getting interrupted... so this is To Be Continued

the last 5 minutes

2007-04-03T17:27:00.000-04:00

I'm so frustrated right now with Clark Atlanta U. You submit your materials in a timely manner with big bold letters. You assign tracking numbers so you know where your package is, and a sigh of relief lets out once it's arrived at its designated location all for it to sit somewhere NOT being reviewed. I got an answer in less than a week from Argosy and i'm still waiting....waiting, checking the status everyday. I wish i put a homeing device in it to tell them exactly where the letter was.

Now they finally answer an email inquiring as to the status and say I can email the infromation to them...problem with that....two of my recommendors are on vacation. I want to get this over with. tell me yes or no, get on with student loans and payout and let me pick classes.... I want to be in Grad school. It's one of those damn things where you wait so long for something and the last five minutes waiting (1 month) becomes the most grueling experience you ever have.

sigh...

So in love with no other

2007-03-30T15:10:00.000-04:00

I don't know why, but today I feel so In love.....not that he did anything in particular that was amazing...just something in the air I guess, that made me write a little something. I haven't written in a while, so it's rusty, but it conveys what i feel when I think of him, or see him. I remember having these feelings when we first started falling for each other....it's nice to feel it again.

I'm so totally in love with him
This man has taken my soul into his
Spinning me around on my toes
I no longer this of another
I am so in love with his swagger
When he walks, I am at attention
Ready to keep in his stride
I no longer walk with another
I am so in love with his voice
His words tremble out like thunder
Shattering the earth in his wake when he says
I no longer will love another
I am so in love with his arms
They comfort & assure me I am safe within them
Surround me with love all night long
I no longer hug another
I am so in love with his spirit
Let a man be a man and do man things
You want the best for me and get the best of me
I no longer let another be
This is the man for me
I am so in love
with you.

Atlanta here I come!

2007-03-22T12:40:00.000-04:00

I got accepted into one of the schools I applied to so at least it's official. i'll be moving to ATL, HOTLANTA. I'm waiting on the second school and then I will possibly have to make a decision between them. Right now, I have absolutely no idea... and i'm doing more research to find out.

But it's a funny thought, me moving out of NY, I've lived here my whole life, and i'm starting to feel apphrehensive about it. But then I get on a crowded train, someone gets cursed out, the temperature drops and I start to feel better about leaving.

So elated about leaving as well that I'm already thinking about what day will be my last day at work. I am Super excited about the day I will hand in my resignation. and if anyone is wondering... Yes, Garette is coming with me to ATL.

Nervousness is starting to creep up but have no fear, this is a positive change that I am welcoming so nothing is going to stop me. But I will miss everyone. Here's to my last Summer in NY!

the medicine of medicine

2007-03-08T15:59:00.000-05:00

So the last month has been the worst (medically) in my life probably. One infection lead to another, which lead to another, which had side effects and in the end I now have swollen areas for which both of my doctors quickly stuck me with needles to find out what's wrong now. and of course I'm still on antibiotics. There has to be some limit of the amount of drugs you can take in one month.

But i think I'm just about done, after one chest x-ray, I should be good (provided i get good results from the tests).

Another good thing, I submitted my applications for Grad school. YAYAYAYAYAY! now all i have to do is submit financial aid forms... Geez. If i could just get financial aid for all these prescriptions, I'd be good!

a funny thing happened after a phone call

2007-02-08T11:35:00.000-05:00

So I was watching One Tree Hill yesterday on the CW11 and the episode was about how an hour with someone can change your life. Before I go on....yes, I’m cheesy and I watch OTH, get over it. Now, in their hour they spent it with a classmate to whom they were assigned and they had a list of things to do/cover within that time. It was all about getting to know you.

After it, they learned something about the other person, something profound that changed the way they view them, themselves and treat each other. In essence, their attitudes changed. Now normally I would say, yea right, whatever....but previous to that I had a phone call.

This phone call was about getting into school for my Masters which has been difficult for the past two years. Monday I was floored, literally crying on the bathroom floor (not lying on the floor circa Lizzie from Grey's Anatomy after Denny died but more so crouching) at work because yet again, I will not be accepted for the 2007 program for the school of my choice simply because I was 3 days after the deadline date. More hope lost, cry, cry, cry, now research other schools.

I came upon a university for psychology and counseling with a campus in Atlanta. Scheduled a phone call with an Assistant Director of Admissions and Wednesday I had my call. It was a lovely conversation, wonderful phone banter back and forth and then he says "I will recommend you for the counseling program"....waaatt? I didn't even know this was a formal interview, but it was.

So now with hope back in my heart and a drive to move outta here, I come to work to AGAIN be presented with bullshit which can result in it being "Julia’s fault" (an unfounded phrase which seems to come up a lot more lately). Sick and Tired, and basically not giving a shit cause I’m leaving these assholes to their own madness within a couple of months (I can feel it), I spoke up!

****edited out****.

Funny she brought up, with tenacity, a situation only to realize it was HER booboo.
I'm loving it! All because of a phone call

He speaks to me

2007-01-23T17:23:00.000-05:00

It's a strange feeling and i get asked about it alot...what made you do it, how did you know? IT cannot be explained, just a feeling, a voice. Something that calls to you and tells you to move...stop....go... and you don't realize that life could be different if you didn't listen.

these moments i can remember and just wonder "geez, if i had driven off, walked ahead, left 5 minutes prior...." but there's a reason for it all and at these times it seems more evident than not. Sometimes it's something that just freezes me, or forces me to look in a direction i wouldn't have....other times... a voice speaks plainly but urgently.

Something was wrong and i knew it....something irked me to the point i couldn't sleep... why wouldn't he answer? Why didn't I hear from him yet...something is wrong. At this point, a lesser person would tell you to stop being a worrywart but something tells you your fears are warranted. Hours later the voice is booming, so you follow....and you find your answer. It's not just relief because you have an answer... it's relief because you knew you were right... you trusted yourself and that nagging voice.

It is at these moments when the unexplained renews your faith, but I've always explained it... it's HIM.

Don't judge a color by the box

2007-01-22T14:39:00.000-05:00

So I've been feeling like plain jane... nothing spectacular about me, just a pretty girl nothing memorable. because of my locks, regular and cutesy hats don't fit my head so i can't be all that trendy in the wintertime. Then it gets so darn cold that you end up wearing a blanket as a coat so I look like a big camel colored puffball with a brown hat...

to spice it up, i decided to do up my color. my ends were colored an apricot glaze that came out to look cinnamony-ish and it's cute so i figure, extend it through my head and it should look good as well. I've never had my whole head colored so this was a new experience for me. Plus, the last time I went to a shop to color the ends, they charged me for every little thing and that came out to too much $$$.

Thus, Loi and I decided to do it ourselves... with 3 boxes of color Clairol's Texture& Tones Honey Blonde LOL. I have to say the coloring process wasn't a mess at all. No color ran onto the towels or anything, very neat. it didn't take long to color either and dreads are very hard to color through. then, the end result...

I'm still not sure how i feel about it... it's....new.... different.... I'm not sure if i like it yet. But i will post a pic later.What did Garette think... well he looked at the box and said, that's not honey blonde, i thought i was going to come home to Pam anderson.... loser.

Mazed and Dazed

2007-01-17T12:54:00.000-05:00

My grandfather was a police officer in Barbados many moons ago. with that, I've always respected cops because not to would be like to disrespect granddad and that ain't happening. but after last week... FUCK the cops (or at least the NYPD).

The whole system is designed to not keep you down as black people have said for years, but WEAR you down until you give up thus giving them more power. To have you run in circles like a mouse in a maze; the bureaucratic red tape and the idiocy of city workers are at an all time high. No wonder the kids produced today are dumb asses and everyone looks for a "city job", there's no work involved.

They can arrest you and take you to one precinct only to take your stuff to another then 'forget' to give you the information necessary to retrieve it after their 'mistake'. then have you run around the city to three different offices. Office A closes at 4pm and they tell you to come back at 2pm, let you wait around until 3 give you what you need for Office B that closed at 2:30. Try again tomorrow. then Office B opens at 9 but sorry, you didn't make an appt so you'll have to wait.... how can i make an appt when no one wants to give me the number to the office?

wait...keep waiting.... go crazy and then.... "How can we be of assistance today?".... "oh i'm sorry, but you need slip XYZ-40-3978 then make an appt and come back".

GOD I can't wait to move. I'm really starting to HATE New York and this bullshit

he lied to me

2007-01-08T14:07:00.000-05:00

but that's to be expected from an ex right. but he's different or at least we're different. there's no need to lie when you're friends and that's all we are. I don't need to be impressed, we've known each other for years. there's no attraction, I'm happy at home.... so why lie?

Sitting there talking about his breakup i thought he grew up, I thought he finally saw the errors in his ways and knew what it takes to keep a relationship. He loved her so much and he was soooo hurt by this, more so than I've ever seen him. He even lost his appetite when we started talking about her. Granted, this was the girl he cheated on me with (does it count as cheating on me when he made me, unknowingly, the other woman?) his emotion was so genuine I wanted to cheer him on make him feel better. Instead i told him the truth... he cheated CONSTANTLY, beyond me there were others, plenty others, stacked up high and you have no right to be mad at her for FINALLY leaving you and your bullshit.

I told him the truth but was proud that he began feeling, that he started to better himself. he grew...it was good, hell it looked good on him (and he did look good). then the next day i read his email (oh pish tosh, it's not my fault he never changed it) and realized....he lied to me.

yes, they broke up, but the circumstances surrounding it is what he lied about. the fact that he agonized over whether or not to respond to her calls or emails when he already did multiple times. the "wondering whether she's calling to be with me or if she's pregnant etc"...when he already knew...what was he looking for from me... it was all a lie.

But I guess if you're looking for sympathy so bad you have to lie...you deserve it, it just won't be for the reasons you expect.

No more excuses for 2007

2006-12-27T16:30:00.000-05:00

Well, 2005 was a good year, i met a couple of ppl i dropped a couple of ppl, the same way it goes every year.... but 2006 was the year of Good Feeling. People around me, gained something, lost things that were weighing them down, went through struggles and came out stronger, clearer and with renewed dedication.

Yes, 2006 was good and 2007 has promise for even more... Take a minute and look back to your resolutions/goals for 2006...did you make them happen? What was the Problem? Well you ain't getting any younger and time doesn't stand still for no man/woman, so it's time to get up off that ass and do something with your future before it becomes obsolete. I live by this.... I did everything in my power to make my dreams come to fruition in 2006, most of them did but some of my more important dreams were rejected like the Knicks at any basketball game this season.

That will not discourage me though, that will only allow me to re-up, throw some water on my face and get back out there, cause I'm dedicated to moving forward only. The LADY does not move back, she keeps it moving so you either on the train or you catching the next ride without me. In my previous blog i wrote some goals and I'm sticking to them. A good idea is to post them up on the ceiling when you wake up, above the mirror in the bathroom... a really good place is wherever your eyes go when you are making a #2 (directly across the room, on the floor, wherever you look when you're looking around visiting the john). That way your goals are drilled into your brain.

Stop the excuses, they get you nowhere. So what, you would like to do this but you may fail at it...dammit at least you tried. and if you fail, do something else, pull out that skill you have and work it to your advantage. I know peeps with full-time jobs, kids, getting their masters degrees, my mom did it, my dad did it so dang it, most of the ppl i know have NO excuse. You are your own worst enemy and your FEAR is the answer to your questions.... why don't i have what they have? Why haven't I gotten this? what's taking so long for me? IT'S YOU

No one got to where they needed to be by standing in one spot. Some put one foot in front of the other, some jumped, some even took off running. But in order to get from Point A to point Z you have to make a move.

So what's your next move going to be?

reality Check

2006-12-21T16:15:00.000-05:00

Garette and I "unofficially" live together. I've been comfortable saying this when anyone asks... even when they tell me to stop bullshitting. It's unofficial, he doesn't have all his clothes, Most of his clothes are at his other place. So it makes sense, he can't live with me if he doesn't have all his "stuff". He only has one piece of furniture, a hideous TV stand that doesn't have a TV on it because i have an entertainment center.

This rationale has sat comfortably with me for 6 months and then a survey form comes along and makes me wipe off the foggy window. Filling out a survey for Evite (you could win $2500, why not), the box for relationship gave no leeway.

8) Which of the following best describes your marital status?
Married or living with a partner
Single and never married
Divorced, widowed, or separated

I'm not married, but i am living with him... am i living with him...i might as well admit it...he's there everyday...he cleans (yes he cleans)...he gives me money toward daily living expenses so.... yes OH DAMN....reality right where i don't need it, in my face.

yea, shortly thereafter i went back and fogged up the window. Denial is a lovely place south of keep your nose in your own business-ville and west of i don't know what you're talking about-land. It does help that "married or living with a partner" referred to homosexual couples who can't marry so since the answer didn't apply to me, it doesn't count as an epiphany.

yay me

2007 is coming...

2006-12-18T14:50:00.000-05:00

I'm so tired... the flu symptoms are coming on slowly but are felt nonetheless. It started with a sore throat, then this morning came the body aches and now i can barely keep my eyes open. Not even to type this blog, since I'm a really good typist, my eyes will be closed for most of this blog.

So it seems Christmas is coming fast. the end of the year even faster and 2007 will come with more promises, more hopes for gratification, hopes for a better future, better life and growth all around. isn't it special, every year we get a re-do to do our lives better, to do them RIGHT.

This year was a good year filled with good things. Moving out is moving up, vehicles taking us to new places, relationships blossoming, it's all good news. 2007 has the potential to be phenomenal with new HOMES, relationships solidified and desires quenched. like every year, it'll be what you make it, plan or no plan every choice you make defines you as a person. So whether you make no choices (punk), risky choices (daredevil), or choices that will ensure a return on your future (safe), it's your life and it's only what you make it.

So here's my top 5 list for what i want to achieve in 2007 (not in order)
1. Move to Atlanta with Garette
2. Get accepted into a teaching program (GaTAPP)
3. Get a raise to out of dept
4. Get Mommi out of that neighborhood
5. Get my house in ATL

Not Built for it

2006-12-08T11:23:00.000-05:00

Nope, nada, uh uh I'm just not built for cold weather. It's friggin 19 degrees outside, i froze my face off going to the bank for work deposits and get this.... it's only for today. Alot of ppl are going to get sick from this sudden temporary drop in the weather. These are the same ppl that will sit next to me on the train sniffling and coughing up a storm.....

I wore the equivalent of a quilt with a zipper up the middle to work, jogging pants under my jeans, two pairs of socks a long-sleeve tee. I want to be where the sun shines down and i don't wake up to 18 or below degress...sounds good to me

(FYI, this is an older post that I forgot to post)

December is holiday time

2006-12-04T17:20:00.000-05:00

It's December....YAYAY
it's holiday time, barely working time, time to be nice and time to CHUCK people to the side so you can get to that cashmere sweater that's reduced 40% with a 15% coupon in your back pocket. AHHHH, smell that cinnamonny pine air and see those lights. i don't know about you but it puts me in a cozy mood to see houses decorated knowing that i don't have a house, so i don't have to do that shit. ahhhhh

it's also time for my holiday party, at least for this year... so if you got an evite, come along, bring your belly and your funny bone cause it'll be a jolly good time. If you didn't get the evite, act like you don't know about the party so i won't be embarrassed i didn't invite you :)

I want to take a holiday pic with Garette but he will think it's corny and refuse.... how can i trick him? any suggestions?

Happy holidays

Man MS

2006-11-29T16:01:00.000-05:00

My huny is doing something that has me puzzled. he's being normal.

No matter what men think, they go through PMS sometimes worse than women. It's Man MS...they get quiet, get attitudes, grumpy, moody, walk around with a frown, easily ticked off etc etc. and when you bring this to their attention they have no idea what you're talking about...riiiiight

so that's currently Garette's mood, or at least it was and then almost overnight he's showing up at my girls night, talking non-stop, smiling, caring and on the phone said "i love you baby"... whooa.... what's going on?

for a minute there i thought we were on a reality show cause this certainly doesn't seem real (none of them are). then a kiss while I'm sleeping, a call in the middle of the day, it's like when we first met.... i mean the middle of the day to say "what's up". no ulterior motive, doesn't need anything, just hi.

I'm not complaining about his recent behavior modifications, if anything it's made things happier at home, more comfortable.

and yea a little on edge to see where the pin will drop.

shut ur trap

2006-11-21T14:58:00.000-05:00

OK, let me clear the air cause this became a pet peeve very recently. Do not under any circumstances, critique my food while I'm eating, interrupt me while I'm eating, or have anything to say about what I'm eating before i get to eat or afterwards. In a nutshell, shut your trap and mind your own business.

This is what you misunderstand. When i say my clothes don't fit, i mean, my clothes no longer fit me. I'm not fat, I'm happy with my body. i could be a bit more toned but in essence I'm sexy as hell, make no mistake about it and that comes NATURALLY. the only reason i complain, is b/c bills have to be paid, thus i can't buy a new wardrobe to accommodate my figure.

as ladies, we all go through those times when our bodies naturally take on more water and bloat and we feel like shit, so i may complain then too but really, i didn't ask your opinion, nor do i care for it. the fact that ppl see a bag that says McDonald's, you really think that i must have the entire menu inside of it, or maybe it's a salad, or maybe it's ice cream, or even 1 cheeseburger and an apple pie. maybe the fact that that's all i eat for the rest of the night plays into the reason I'm not 200 lbs.

not that i need to give anyone an explanation but during a 5 day work week i allow myself 1 lunchtime of bad food and it's usually followed up at home by 8 pieces of cheese and crackers for dinner or vegetables. the rest of the week i have lunch from home followed by a sandwich for dinner.

so, whether it was a joke or not, it was uncalled for and rude.

it is what it is take it or leave it

2006-11-17T10:57:00.000-05:00

OK, there are positives and negatives about writing a blog. The problem being that this is me in my rawest form, un-edited, un-rehearsed. The words pour from my heart to my head unto the screen and then for the world to see. At most times, it's in the heat of anger, other times just trying to see through the confusion and most often than not, i don't read it back. it is what it is take it or leave it.

I chose to write this blog about me, my experiences, my life, my angers, my peeves, my joys, hurts, funnies, stupid stories and just silly situations. I chose to share a part of me that most people thought they knew but suddenly realize, they don't. I chose to voice through words what I most often can't through emotions cause i have too much of those...that was a choice that was easy for me to do since i love writing and i stopped so long ago.

the problem you ask? Well that comes when people read it...

I would say, don't take it too seriously but these are real emotions. My Epiphany's, which i tell you that I've come to without actually saying what they were, are real. But if you haven't gotten it yet, let me share something else with you....

I'm not huggy, my emotions are kept on the inside until i decide to voice them. I don't get excited about having "private girl time" because it seems too forced. I bond over everyday life experiences; hanging out, everyday sharing, 'catching up' over a plate of potato skins while other tables chatter with their own business is ideal for me. Being around any person too much annoys me and they will eventually annoy me and that is when i fall back...but I'm never far. I go through moods, i have bouts of depression for no reason at all. I hate bullshit so if you're one of those ppl that bullshit to yourself chances are you annoy me with it. I forgive but i never forget. I'm super observant and catch things you don't realize you revealed. I'm always there to help and to listen. If i have done you wrong, let me know cause I can't fix my behavior if I'm unaware. but

if you show no interest in my life it will take me a while to warm up to you again no matter how close you thought we were. it's not me being spiteful, it's me protecting myself. i may come off a bit cold, but you can't force me back, it'll come back when it does. besides, i always get quiet when i have a lot to work out for myself.

I'm back

2006-11-10T13:08:00.000-05:00

It's been so long since I've written anything. My week-long vacation to Barbados was amazing and I have to say certain parts made me long for taking a vacation alone with Garette. I have yet to upload the pics but when I do, I have an amazing sunset shot off the terrace of our hotel.

We must have went all over the island although I did NOT get to see the college with my Surname. We usually take a picture there. Everything seemed so familiar but still so new to me, granted it's only been 8 years since I've been back, for my brother that also went, over 20 years. However, we won't make that mistake again.

Dear GOD...

2006-10-25T13:26:00.000-04:00

I'm having one of those days... one of those revealing days where actions and qualities are being exaggerated so i notice them.... or maybe it seems that way. Every attitude, every suck of the teeth, every instance where they think they know me so well they totally mis-read my intentions. Lord it makes me question their existence in my life... should they be here? is this what i have to look forward to?

Chuck it all that little devil on the side of me says... leave them be. and sometimes it sounds so good especially on days like this. So in the meantime.... see ya!

Forgetting your manners....

2006-10-23T16:53:00.000-04:00

As I ran out the house this morning a bit behind but determined to catch the emptier train the cold air shocks me and once again my ankle feels like it's about to crack or die. "Walk it off, walk it off" I can hear my grandfather say so I push past and walk only as fast as a six foot girl in sneakers can. Still, short ppl really think they can do better so they walk in front of me, knowing I'm trying to past them, only to have the back of their shoe taken off... really, you should have known...

I get a seat on the train after a couple of stops standing and reading and at the last stop in Brooklyn I put my book away and get ready for my morning 20 min nap to 34th street... That is, until Park Place. It kills me, how regardless of the fact that it is rush hour and the train is packed it would be one person, one ignorant, got up on the wrong side of the bed, angry at the world, needs some good loving to get the stick out their ass person to start an argument about "you're touching me".

Unfortunately it was a black woman. Instead of realizing that perhaps some body parts will touch others, especially when you're blessed with a healthy rear, I think it's unfair to start off at someone because their butt touched yours. Let's think about this... his butt, touched her butt, would it be better if his bag touched your butt... he in fact did NOT touch her butt but in the course of standing on a train shaking side to side, his butt touched her butt... Heaven forbid.

so she starts arguing because of the butt touching to which he says what everyone was thinking, "Bitch". Now here is where I got mad, since I was on his side the whole time, but why call someone out their name cause they got an attitude with you? She did not call him any names just resented the fact that they butt-loved, sucked her teeth and muttered to herself loud enough for everyone to hear. Sure, she may have been acting "bitchy" but in no way does any woman deserve some idiot to call her a bitch just to make himself look good.

So I say to you Mr. Grease-haired man on the #2 train this morning who got his ass chewed out because he didn't pay attention in Manners class and Man training... Calling a woman a bitch is not a good idea. Calling a black woman a bitch is an even stupider idea, and calling a west-Indian woman a bitch....tsk.... If she'da took ur head off I would only have supplied the bag in which to put it in. It did not make you a man, instead, it just won you the...

Biggest Jerk of the Week Award.

Doggie care

2006-10-20T16:16:00.000-04:00

Don't take this the wrong way but I like that ppl don't come to my house. I have been everywhere lately, everybody else's apts and no one has come to mine. Does it really bother me?... NO.

but i am thinking about getting a dog... maybe when i get a raise (hint hint bossman) i can really consider it. i need company (not necessarily human) and i'm tired of cats (the devils pet). i think i want my dog now. having a pet makes you come home b/c really, who wants to come home to a dead pet cause you weren't there to feed it... or step in a puddle of piss cause you weren't there to take it outside. and obviously this dog will have to be spayed or clipped cause i'm not dealing with a horny mutt.

i see having a dog as the first step to family... like having my apt is my first step to a house. Getting my affairs, bills and what not in order. keeping up with the household crap, you know all that grown up stuff. Having a child scares he bejesus outta me so if i can have a dog and not kill it, i think that would be a positive thing since these damn plants don't seem to last past a couple of days :)

I Slave

2006-10-17T10:27:00.000-04:00

and slave cleaning the house and all you do is come in the house and have no words. You don't notice a damn thing, so why work?

Yo, I am so feeling like an unappreciated housewife.

after an argument Sunday about a pot that was still in the fridge with food that should have been cleaned, Garette and I got into a heated discussion about responsibilities. He thought since I cooked, I should have seen the pot and cleaned it. I didn't need that pot when I cooked so why look for it and clean it? He on the other hand is home more often than me, why didn't he clean it? He says that he didn't look in the fridge. By the looks of his belly that didn't grow on its own, I would say, he's lying.

anyway, Monday afterwork I came home with a new swiffer dry sweeper ready to attack the apt with the help of my cleaning agents. I brought a mildew remover for the bathroom (which by the way is awesome, Lysol Mildow Remover, spray the area and watch it disappear), and Softscrub with bleach. My bathroom is sparkling. Plus, I bought a new bathroom decor, so it's now chocolate brown to go with the season. Then I organized the bathroom storage area.

then I put away the laundry which has been sitting there for a week. Three bags of laundry, both mine and Garette's. Cleaned up the living area and bedroom area (since I live in a studio it's all one area really). by the end, my back was killing me and I could do no more so I went to sleep. I waited too and got no response, no nod, no acknowledgement.

yes, I understand I clean for me but still, it would be nice to hear, nice job.

Knicks passing me by

2006-10-13T16:31:00.000-04:00

Dude, I so just missed an opportunity to see a Knicks vs. Nets game but it's ok, another time. I've been telling myself that for too long and before I move, I MUST see a knicks game.

Nothing much to write, fighting the tail end of a stuffy sickness from earlier this week. In the process of popping Dayquil which I frequently do when I'm sick, I realized, this may not be too good with the Mitral Valve Prolapse the doc diagnosed me with. Its actually the reason I noticed my heart beating rapidly. So for the first time during a sickness, I battled through, without the assistance of cold medicine (in the daytime). At night I still needed assistance, otherwise I'd been up blowing away half my brain.

Garette came through with a promise he made to me, which made me feel a bit better about our future. Although it was late, it was a step in the right direction. and that's all I ask.

MySpace Comments Graphics

Overbooked

2006-10-06T15:52:00.000-04:00

Damn, it's Friday already. Where does the time go? Although right now I'm killing time until I can leave at 5:30 and what a nice surprise, I do NOT have to work Monday which is Columbus day. I would like a day to rest but in 1 day my weekend has totally booked up. How do I let things like this happen?

Just yesterday Sunday was my only day that I would really be leaving my house to be in the crowds. Suddenly I have to race to my moms tonight to do laundry, then go to club Strata for a friends birthday party. Tomorrow which was just a simple day of Archery, turns into Archery, Movies, and a haunted house. Sunday to see my cousin at her booth at the Circle of Sisters Expo and then Monday to hang out with an old friend while we watch a bunch of badass kids.

I'm already tired just gearing up for it all. I just have to do one thing.... Don't sweat my hair out... It looks so cute when it's freshly done.

Let me be your muse

2006-10-04T15:45:00.000-04:00

People always told me that I have a lot to say... that I have an opinion on everything. And Yes, I do. It's what makes me... me. It's also a major part of the reason I created this blog. And it appears that some of my friends have a lot to say as well, so they created their own blogs.

Check them out
Insert Gripe here

The Unfathomable Femme Fatale

Baddisms

A day without my phone

2006-09-29T16:49:00.001-04:00

A couple of years ago, we didn't have cell phone compartments in our purses. We used quarters in a pay phone. We coordinated where we would meet beforehand and we waited until we got home to converse with our friends about some guy, our day or even what we were wearing to our next event.... Not so much nowadays. Now it seems, people talk on their cell phones everywhere, in the elevator at the doctors office, getting a procedure done anywhere on their bodies, on a date, their cell phones are attached to the ear so the person(s) on the other line knows exactly what's happening, right now.

well, yesterday, totally by accident, I left my cell phone at home. Anyone who knows me knows my cell phone is my communication. I chat on AIM, text constantly, and it's my phone book since I relinquished the task of remembering numbers from my brain and gave it to my cell (or at least the SIM card).

About 2 blocks from my house (and very close to the train station), I realize I do not have my cell phone. "shit, damn" as I stopped, turned around and gave up hope of going back home. "I'll just email ppl so they know". Sitting down in the office I was forced to use the clock on my computer rather than my phone when deciding on whether to greet ppl with "Good Morning...." or "Good Afternoon".

then, when I went to lunch, who would I talk to? Who would chat with me as I waited in line for my chicken sandwich? Silence......
......
......
walking down the street I usually ignore people by chatting on the phone but now I was forced to listen to their comments, which all in all, are pretty flattering once they don't get offended that I didn't stop to talk to them.

it took a good three times to call my boyfriend from my job phone before he answered a number he didn't recognize.

then going to mommi's house, I don't have my key, and I'll have to wait outside for her to answer the door (sometimes it takes a while to get down those stairs). usually I call when I'm walking up the block so she's there waiting for me but this time, I had to act like a visitor. A salesperson who came knocking wanting to introduce a potential buyer to a product that worked like the last one but has been totally re-formatted and is in a cuter bottle.

once I got home, way after 10 pm, I checked my phone... A lot of text messages (the only way to communicate in the twenty-first century). And a picture of a book with someone's name on it from my brother..... Time for him to explain...

yah, shall I make the first call

all in all, the day was pretty freeing without it. I wouldn't do it again if I had pressing plans but I would definitely do it again. I AM NOT A SLAVE!!!!

Stop and smell the stink...

2006-09-27T13:13:00.000-04:00

Its only when you stop that you realize the world goes on without you, and the truths you were too busy to see before suddenly become brazenly obvious.

The hardest part is seeing it come from people you love. Whether it's the way they showboat when others are around or how selfish and self-centered they truly are you always knew it on some level but now that you don't have so much taking your focus away not only does it shock you, it disgusts you.

I've seen so much in the past couple of weeks it's amazing to me. After going through a tumultuous week, ending in a heart wrenching Friday which covered itself up by overeating for two days and finally ending with a tonsillitis and the flu on Sunday I'm ready to be alone. All by lonesome at home watching season premieres and series premieres.

Oh and making mosaics with my mosaic team... Love u guys!

Ok I get it

2006-09-21T11:45:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I wish GOD had text messaging. My message would be

"OK G, I get it"

lately it seems as if life was getting a bit hard for me to handle. Creditors calling my job (how they got the # I don't know), I owe this, I owe that, rent, bills. I know ppl said it was hard but Geez louise I didn't know how hard.

its so funny how one minute you know where your life is headed, you know what's going to happen and then boom, suddenly nothing seems right, your plans are just ideas and you have no grip on your life. I haven't felt stable in a long time and being a Taurus, that's just a bit confusing.

the trouble being, I'm not happy. geez I went to school for four years, busted my ass in classes to get someone tea and look at me like I have the audacity to look her in the eye. Then I have someone else who speaks very plainly like I don't know how to send a letter FedEx. Mind you, I work in a very small firm and I've come from very big ones so not only do I know how to send a letter, I can type it in 55wpm, format it correctly and use the big words to make it sound overly educated.

so I guess ppls underestimations, underpayment and utterly, my uninterest in this field got to the point where I can't take it anymore. I'm trying not to fall into the depressive state but everything just seems to happen together. And just when you think it's over... BAM here it comes again.

So yea, I'm weighing my options... Do I look for another job now even though I'm leaving in 8-10 months? Do I stay and ask for a raise? Can I stay here without slapping a bitch? Should I get a second job? Will that ultimately be my demise?

I have an interview tomorrow and a phone interview after that. I took the day off as a mental health day cause I'm heading down a dark path and it's not pretty. As I calm down from my latest run-in with an in-house ass, I schedule the interview, then get an email regarding the phone interview literally and hour apart. I'm listening to some gospel and suddenly I'm totally aware of the words of the song "Everything is gonna be alright" from al green playing in my ear. WOW

OK G, I get it... You're taking care of it...

I guess only time will tell

Birthday Shouts

2006-09-15T17:00:00.000-04:00

Happy Birthday Denise

we're gonna party cause it's ya birthday.
You got a lot of growing up to do but you're well on your way.... YAY

unfortunately in trying to find something to wear for your shindig, I'm reminded of a horrendous fact... I gained weight. Half of my clothes I can't fit into anymore or don't fit the way they should. It's a sobering reality when you don't have the money to buy a whole new wardrobe. So I guess I have to diet or exercise. Here's the problem. I don't like either. How do I lose weight when I can't motivate myself to go to a gym?

I hate the gym... ppl stare (they do), they watch you cause they forgot to bring their own book to read, they don't get off the damn treadmill when they know they only signed up for a half hour block. I hate going when I have my period. and why is it that I only get the urge to jog when its getting too cold outside to start?

I need help cause this whole diet and exercise thing, I can't do by myself.

Happy ass Mo'Fo's

2006-09-12T15:30:00.000-04:00

I've been wanting to write this for a couple of days now but was afraid someone would take it the wrong way. Oh well;

Since Ignorance is bliss.... There are some happy go lucky mutha fuckas walking around assimilating into civilization. Some of them even passing themselves off as my friends... YEA I SAID IT.

Dumb people make me mad.... Ignorant ppl drive me crazy... What's the difference?

Dumb is calling out sick and going shopping around your office
Ignorant is coming upstairs to get your purchases from the day before

Dumb is making a mistake that could have been avoided
Ignorant is letting that mistake stand until it becomes worse when the opportunity to correct it is in front of you

Dumb is not knowing when to stop
Ignorant is taking it too far so not to be topped.

Dumb is getting mad cause I don't agree with you
Ignorant is not talking to me because of it.

Although i rather deal with a dumb person, I'd prefer my friends were sane, together individuals. And I'm trying not to judge... Being ignorant is a state of mind, it doesn't have to be a character until you make it. I'm ignorant to a lot of things but am willing to educate myself on those subjects... Truly ignorant ppl are willing to be content in their ignorance.

but here's another thing, that old saying about birds of a feather... It's true. Look at the character flaw and tell me if that person is your road dog, then ask someone objective if you have that character flaw... Chances are you do. So glad, the ignorant ones are NOT in my inner circle.

September 11th - Let us Pray

2006-09-11T11:12:00.000-04:00

Our father
who art in heaven
Hallowed be thy name.
Thy kingdom come
thy will be done
on earth as it is in heaven
Give us this day Our daily Bread
and forgive us our trespasses
as we forgive those who trespass against us
and lead us not into temptation
but deliver us from evil
for thine is the kingdom
the power
and the glory
forever

AMEN.

Things fall apart

2006-09-11T10:53:00.000-04:00

I was talking to D'Anthony on the train on my way to work and the subject of me 'retiring' as our group planner and what's going to happen to our little group of friends when I move came up, and it hit me.... Is this the beginning of the end as he seems to think?

It works both ways... I'm moving to a place where I only know one person. I don't have a group of friends like I do here, who is going to eat my desserts? Of course I'm moving with Garette and my brother lives there so there's my answer. Plus my cousin might be moving soon with her BF so I may re-connect there.

but up here, I'm starting to feel like Big Mama from Soul Food trying to prepare her kids to band together since I won't be here forever. But it's true, I am the one that plans the events but I'm not the only one. Loi definitely gets involved big time, Mike loves when we all get together so I'm sure he'll put his requests in, but beyond those two I see individuals getting together but not like we do now. And with all the moves, everyone is going to be in there on space, and with everyone paying more in rent, no one is going out LOL! Especially since no one drives.

So maybe I DO need a job in the educational field. So that I can get my summers off and come back and beat ppl in the ass. For some, the group is more of a family than they have, everyone is more than just a friend, for others, the group is that comfort zone you have when life becomes too serious. For me, my group represents a place where I don't have to be fake or nice, I can be myself. I can say " a little less talking a little more SHUT THE FUCK UP!" and I won't get hit for it, they'd just start laughing...

I'll miss the group.
call me

How do I love thee???

2006-09-07T13:15:00.000-04:00

I have weird friends... I guess they're normal by societal standards but to me they're weird people that think about weird things and come up with interesting, albeit popular theories.

at Dinner one night a conversation between the 'male basher' and the 'male defender/woman basher' ensued bringing about the topic "how does one show love to their significant other, without words?"

my answer- "he's in my house"

which was the truth. Let's keep it real for a minute. He's in my house and I want him there, that's love. I cook for him and do the laundry, that's love. He washes the dishes and kills roaches when they dare to appear, that's love. He makes the bed, I mess it up, that's love. I'm not the biggest advocate of PDA's nor do I practice it often but those are ways that I say I love you, without words.

I have two friends, together they are PDA defined, and it's cute for all of 2 minutes after that I'm ready with the hose, but yea you can see, she loves him, he loves her, awwww, blech.
I have another two friends, one doesn't do much, the other is more PDL (public displays of like) and that's a little more comfortable but still ehhh
I'm the quiet type, this I know. I like to steal glances and winks, hold hands while sitting next to each other or cross my legs over him, but the whole kissing and making out in public, nah not for me.

but it got me to thinking, which got me to asking, "Garette, you know I love you right?"

G: of course, why you asking me this?
Me: Cause I don't always say it
G: you don't have to, I know you, I know you do.

that's my boy.

Get on Bad

2006-09-06T11:02:00.000-04:00

Ohhhhh my body aches, and it's not for you dirty minded people....

Monday, Labor Day, was the annual West Indian Day Parade in Brooklyn, NY. And if I may say so myself, the best part of the summer. The Jamaican Truck had Beenie man, Sean Paul, Elephant Man, the Barbados truck had Alison Hinds, Rupee and Crossfire.

After Jumping behind the Bajan truck we danced to the sounds of soca for what seemed like eternity but man was I in heaven. I jumped, got on bad, rolled it down and picked it up north like I was single. Cheese on bread I had such a good time and I especially can't wait to get to Barbados in November.

Alison, Alison, save me as a friend on myspace! (pics to come)

Forget You

2006-08-29T14:46:00.000-04:00

You know people say I could be very mean at times... I say you must've deserved it. Like when I respond to this question.."I haven't heard from you in a while, did you forget about me??"

What is this? Are you trying to make me feel guilty because I outgrew that a long time ago... Instead you must want to get your feelings hurt cause my answer is ' Yes, I forgot about you. You are clearly a forgettable person and I indeed forgot about you.' and here's the clincher... You OBVIOUSLY forgot about me or at least didn't remember me enough to call, text or email so why are you complaining? It's not as if I heard your voice over my phone in the last couple of months so forgettable you needs to keep on forgetting about me and go on with the life you had 10 minutes ago. Ugh!

But as mean as that seems, my heart bleeds room temperature.

I talk a good game, but it's not easy for me to let go. It never has been. Growing up with a father who traveled quite often and ended up dying halfway across the world, away from the ppl he loved the most, has made it damn near impossible for me to just let someone walk out of my life. It tore me to pieces when my brother moved to Georgia although I know it was something he had to do. Garette can attest to how much I cried moving into my own apt cause instead of being the one who was left, I ended up leaving my mother, and in some ways feeling as though I was abandoning her.

So no, even when someone royally fucks up, even in the midst of my anger which can be detrimental to any friendship, I usually leave a space for them to come back. To me, in life the only finality is death. Nothing is ever over, friendships are never just lost cause life is just too short and this world is too small to simply forget.

Whip it out!

2006-08-28T16:17:00.000-04:00

I haven't written much lately but that's mostly due to blogger fucking up, not that I don't have much to say... In particular, to this article...

http://msnbc.msn.com/id/14065706/from/ET/

In essence, women are disgusted by the sight of another woman breastfeeding a baby because you may see a tit. The thought that a woman breastfeeding her baby could disgust another woman blows my mind. Breastfeeding is natural, more natural than the stick that's currently embedded in your ass. Animals do it almost seconds after their young'uns are born and we are disgusted by another human being?

another ignorant comment was simply "it's gross" or "I don't want my son or husband to accidentally see a breast they didn't want to see." Well, I don't accidentally want to see a misshapen fat ass with a crop shirt but I see it all the time. What do I do afterwards? I get over it. The problem with Americans is that instead of learning about something, educating their young on a topic and accepting it, they rather run and hide. It's the reason why discrimiation and hate seems to occur more in the US than any other country. It's why we had lynching, slavery, reservations... Because what Americans don't understand, they try to kill, beat, assimilate until it looks like some form of themselves.

I bet these mothers who don't want their sons seeing a tit have no problem letting them watch MTV, BET and whatever shows that are playing on their personal Television sets or are streaming through their computers and Ipods. But Breastfeeding is a NO NO

This kills me and as my friend Loi illustrates: "I cant believe that women think this way...just goes to show you what brainwashing does. Breastfeeding has so many benefits some of which They are still discovering and yet people are like ill gross yuck how rude. But show them a pic of a women scantly clad on the front cover and there like ...hmm I wished I looked like her."

To these women I make a promise. When my child is a newbie and it's time to feed, I will leave the bottle in the bag and whip out a tit right next to you in starbucks... And if you dare tell me to go into the bathroom (I don't use public bathrooms why would I feed my kid in one?) you might get special milk in your coffee!

Beach BBQ

2006-08-28T16:01:00.000-04:00

ok, Below is a list of items to choose from for the bbq. please make a decision as to what you want to bring. If there is something you want to add to the list please let me know so i can add it.

The BBQ will start about 1 in the afternoon this Saturday.

BACKUP PLAN: Club Monaco

1.Hot Dogs & Buns melanie
2.Hamburger patties & Buns & Sliced Cheese - caryn
3.Corn on the cob myrnieka
4.Mac-n-cheese
5.BBQ Chicken myrneika
6.ColeSlaw Julia
7.CHips jennie
8.Plates, Utensils, Napkins & Cups - caryn
9.ICE
10.Condiments melanie
11.Sodas/Juices
12.Beer
13.Charcol & Lighting Fluid julia
14.Fruit Salad & Dessert Boris and darnell
15.Matches (long BBQ matches)
16. Boombox with Batteries
17. Baked Beans julia

remember to bring chairs/blankets/umbrellas for the BBQ.

Runaway

2006-08-18T10:49:00.000-04:00

As my boss asks me if I'm ok, the tears start to well up in my eyes again and all I could do is nod with a smile that fails to mask sadness.

"it's just that you look so sad when you're usually smiling" he says with an encouraging smile. "or should I just mind my business?" To this I laugh and say "it's ok, thank you though" and go back to hiding my face behind mindless work.

it's just one of those days where you start off singing in the shower and end up in a tug o war with the ppl u love best. Part of me just wants to start crying so my boss will send my emotional ass home but the other part wants to rage, scream, punch, draw blood from someone other than myself.

then there's the third part, the dominant part that just wants everyone to fuck off, who just wants to keep to herself and her books since her books never lied to her, never questioned her intentions, never tried to argue or read into her words they just spoke to her and told her a story. They calmed her down and took her to another place, they got her excited, bored, intrigued, horny and yearning to be the main character.

Her books allowed her to have an imagination, caused her to dream in technicolor, and above all let her do something she could never seem to accomplish in reality.... runaway.